You'll Never Be Whole Until You Lose Control- Spencer Reid

Chapter 35: My Kind Of Woman

"Oh, brother

Sweetheart

I'm feelin' so tired

Really fallin' apart

And it just don't make sense to me

I really don't know

Why you stick right next to me

Wherever I go"- My Kind Of Woman, Mac Demarco

Merry Christmas/Blessed Yule everyone!

Chapter Summary: Spencer and Anna celebtrate Christmas and Yule.

Anna

I awoke to darkness with apprehension and warmth filling my chest; the warmth was from my boyfriend who was curled up to my chest, fluffy hair tucked beneath my chin. The apprehension... stemmed from my intuition. The clock on Spencer's beside table read 2:15am and I let out a quiet groan.

I stroked Spencer's hair off his forehead as he slept on my chest, his cheek pressed against my bare breast. It wasn't often that he was so vulnerable and usually it was I who clung to him in my sleep, but when the pieces fell around him, I was there for him just like I always promised him I would be. His nightmares had been acting up again since our encounter with Cat. Dark circles framed his eyes even more so than usual. Last night he had even left me in bed to go sulk on the couch, but I had quickly padded out after him.

"I'm sorry I woke you," he had sighed, rubbing his eyes.

"Spencer, it's okay, I'm here," I had reminded him, cupping his cheek in my palm.

So tonight I had brought herbs from the shop to his apartment made him hops, ashwaganda and lavender tea with honey for him in hopes it would lull him into slumber. It was the least I could do for my poor man.

His nose scrunched in his sleep and his hands held me tighter as if I were a human teddy bear. I relished in how much he needed me. "Anna," he whimpered quietly.

"I'm here, my love," I whispered back to him. "I'm here."

That seemed to settle him as he let out a quiet snore.

I couldn't blame the man for the ache he felt; that bitch was vengeful and spiteful. I was just glad she had lied when she said that she miscarried because of him; Penelope had found out that it was months after their altercation. I didn't think his poor heart could carry that burden. It might've been the straw that broke my Atlas's back.

To be honest, I was glad she would be dead soon. The world would be a better place without Cat Adams in it. Maybe that was cold, but at least I was honest.

I knew Spencer would be upset if I had said it aloud; he would see it as proof of that he had corrupted and destroyed my innocence. I didn't see it that way, but I knew that he would never change his mind. He was so hard-headed in his self hatred, while I was in acceptance of my shadow. There was duality in good and evil; a binary within pure and impure.

He believed he was so bad in so many ways, but I saw how good he was. I saw the man who helped save the lives of countless people. The man who performed magic tricks for his godsons. The man who made my heart race. The man who without a single doubt deserved to be loved the way I loved him. Maybe I just saw the world differently than he did. He always said that bad had begun to stick to him after everything he had witnessed; bad that he could never wash off. But I believed that everyone was capable of darkness, but everyone was also capable of extreme light; he was no different. He had duality that was all his own; and I had seen every side of him.

A part of me believed that on some level, he would never accept how much I loved him. Every time I said it, he still seemed shocked to hear it; he would stare back at me with disbelieving amber eyes.