You'll Never Be Whole Until You Lose Control- Spencer Reid

Chapter 29: I want it all

"But my love's not simple
I'm fragile
And you don't even know
No, you don't even know it all
I want it all
I've got this lovesick feeling
But there's nothing like it
Nothing at all
I know your heart's still beating
And I want it all
I want it all
Or nothing at all"- I want it all, coin

Chapter summary: Spencer and Anna celebrate his birthday, and Anna gets to meet the team.

This chapter is absolutely filthy to make up for the delay in updating!

Spencer

I often felt like I died the day I was arrested in Mexico.

Or maybe I had been gone long before that. Perhaps I really did die at the hands of Tobias Hankel's father, and the years after were my deserved circles of hell.

But, I felt that I had been reborn the moment I met the girl with eyes made of stardust. Out of the rubble and ash that had fallen around me, her small and impossibly soft hands pulled me up to my feet. She brushed the dirt and dust from my clothes and whispered niceties that had never fallen upon my ears. She kissed both battle scars and fresh wounds with lips as sweet as peonies, never once frightened by the blood.

With her, there was something to live for. Every aching second was worth it just to kiss her lips and gaze into her eyes. The blackened feathers from my back matched her angelic lightness like the principle of Yin and Yang; Darkness and Light. And despite believing that I would never be good enough to deserve the girl, maybe; just maybe she belonged by my side.

And god, I prayed she did.

"You look rather... well rested, Spencer," my therapist said as I sat down on the couch.

Anna would equate my lessened nightmares to the sachet she had made of white howlite, rainbow moonstone, charoite, rosemary, lavender and chamomile that she had safely tucked beneath my pillow, but I believed it to be that I fell asleep with her delicately swaddled in my embrace.

"How do you feel about your birthday tomorrow?" She prompted.

I shifted in my seat, visibly uncomfortable by the question. The passage of time from my birth to now seemed so... horrific. Youth had felt so fleeting. Maybe I was never young at all, but a soul that had wandered alone for decades, searching and never finding its mate.

I had pondered when I first turned thirty if I had lived up to expectations; idillic dreams of curing schizophrenia, scientific explorations and academia had been left to the wayside to the horrors and traumas buried beneath my skin. They brought me to my knees, hopeless and ragged; the core of my being shattered and mangled beyond recognition.

Spencer Reid went from being a childhood prodigy to what? A doctor. Addict. Ex-Convict.

Anna would say that I was a hero who saved lives, but I wasn't as kind as my love.

"I... don't know," I had said, and it was true; I didn't. For once.

"It's okay to feel that way," she said, but I could barely believe her. Therapy was hard when you were an expert in human behavior; it was so easy to pick apart everything, from the way she clicked her pen to the avoidance of her stare.

"How are things with Anna?" It was a simple question but it held so much weight.

"I love her," my voice was a quiet sob. "And I'm soscared."

Because I did love her; I loved her more than I needed oxygen. But I knew the world to be cruel and unforgiving, and just how easily she could be torn from me at any second. I felt like I was Icarus who was so close to the sun; so close to what I desired most just to lose it all... again.