Inner Monologues

Worry

I worry about myself.

I wish I was fine, but I'm not.

Not for a long time.

When will it finally end? When can I finally live "normally" again?

How can I be so cruel and push everyone away from me?

I don't write back to anyone anymore and I think "I'm really so sorry!" doesn't make it right either, when did I become like this?

I feel so sorry for the people who try to get to me - but don't make it.

I don't want to lose them just because I am who I am.

I even forgot a birthday, that never happens to me!

Even the little things that were never a problem before are suddenly so difficult, so out of reach.

Like talking on the phone, I just can't do it anymore and I have no idea why it is suddenly so difficult for me, no one is going to tear my head off, but I just can't do it.

And going for a walk, which I did every evening almost every day, is no longer possible.

When I go out I don't find peace anymore, but stress, I have the feeling that my chest is getting heavier with every step I do.

I only go out - if necessary - to go shopping or particularly important errands.

Otherwise I'm with my parents, which makes it a little easier because I have someone with me.

It all sounds absurd, but that's how I live at the moment and it is destroying myself.

I have a storm inside of me and can hardly tame it, not even at night.

I lie awake for so long and hope that I can finally fall asleep, which then happens at some point, but in spite of all that, I'm restless.

I wake up feeling like I've just been chased through a meat grinder, all my limbs hurt and I'm listless.

There are rare days where I start the day in a good mood and motivated - and to be honest, these are my favorite days.

The only thing that can soothe my storm is music.

I love listening to music, whether it's sad or happy, my storm stops for a moment and leaves me alone to enjoy the sounds.

When I sing or dance, it is as if I can briefly forget and everything is fine.

I have to say it's very liberating and I never want to stop because only then, I feel happy and glad that I have such an anchor.

I just want to be "normal", be able to enjoy everything, be happy about little things and have normal contact with my loved ones, again.

I don't want to be scared of going out anymore.

Don't be afraid to rush back into the working world.

Reduce my fear of clowns or tight spaces and try to deal with them somehow and not panic directly.

There is certainly so much more that I'm afraid of, but at some point I want to eliminate everything and lead a life that I want and not what my fears want from me.