Inner Monologues

It's life

Sometimes I think I don't deserve to live here in my parents house, my home - and then I just wanna run away. Leave my past life behind me and start a new one, a better one, where I can be anything I want.

Sometimes I just wanna live in a different country and start from the beginning; where nobody knows my name or my person, where I can be anyone I want, that would be perfect.

I want to live my life like I want to and not what everybody else wants.

Since I was a little kid I always followed the people around me, I wasn't me, I was the person they wanted me to be and I was like that.

But something changed, I changed, my actions changed, my whole personality changed, my life changed in just a second.

From that moment on, I swore to myself that I will never ever be like this person again.

I was naive, very shy, trusted everyone, kind hearted, the perfect girl from the neighborhood who didn't know sadness, I was just always happy, no one could have ruined it.

But then pain came into my life and everything changed.

The ones that I loved the most betrayed me, back stabbed me, hurt me, left me.

In all these years I felt so much pain that I broke, I trusted nobody anymore, I was always sad on the inside, but on the outside I was the happy girl.

My story begins at the moment I fell in love with a boy, my first crush.

He is athletic, has brown hair and brown eyes, I'll never forget his brown eyes and his soothing voice and I don't wanna start at his laugh.

The days went by and each day I fell for him more and more and he - I don't know what he was feeling at that moment - he was a complete riddle for me.

We were never really in contact, we sent just a few messages, but it meant so much to me, till the day I wrote to him that I have feelings for him, from that day on everything was just complicated for me and maybe him, but who knows.

He played with me, used me, till I was totally broken, my own fault, because I trusted him.

He was a player and I was his new toy to throw away if things got too serious.

Anyway the plot of the story is, he once said the girl in his pics was just his best friend and a few days later it was his new girlfriend.

Yeah, it hit me like a train and I was paralyzed, haven't spoken to everyone and didn't leave the house.

We were never in a relationship, but the fact that he played with me for months broke me; I trusted this guy, he had my heart and threw it away like it's his trash ready to pick up.

I was a train wreck for months, maybe more.

This experience changed me a lot, not into a better person, just to the girl who never ever trusted someone again, I blocked everyone and my social life went down under.

Of course I had my friends beside me, they helped me a lot, but in the years they also changed, like a lot.

A long term friendship broke down in just a day and I have still no idea how that happened and I guess I will never know why.

This gave me the rest, because not just this friendship broke down, all the others left me too, I have no idea why or how it happened, but it did.

I guess this is life, this is how life needs to be, pain is the main character beside love.

I hate the sentence: „Time will heal all the pain."

The time won't heal anything, just the person who is in pain will decide for how long.

It still hurts, I lost everything in just seconds and I couldn't do anything against it and this is the worst part of it.

I can't do anything against the loss I had and will have in the future, it will just happen.

...I always love the ones I can't reach and I guess this is my problem why I'm still alone in this world...