Kissing A Devil (Complete and Continuing In The Sequel)

Chapter 18

Sidharth sits on the floor with a bottle of whisky. He drinks from it as he looks at the photo frame on the wall. It is from their reception. A gift from the staff at the hotel to Sana on her first day at Hotel. He is in a suit and she is in a white gown. They both are looking at each other, smiling. They are complimenting each other so well. The world could see how much they love each other. But the truth is far from that.

"Jhoot ka rishta bakhubi nibha leta hun,
Main duniya ko apne bare mein dhoka dila deta hun.
Log dekhte Hain,
Jo bas samne nazar aati hai.
Main muskura kar har dard chupa leta hun."

He starts to laugh till his eyes fill with tears,"Jhoot hi toh hai, humara yeh rishta. We are living a lie. Lie that I hate her, lie that she loves me...Andrew, my brother, I really miss you yaar. Tu hota na toh mujhe thik thik..bolta..what should I do? What should I do now? "

He again starts to laugh, "Shale yaad hai? Whenever I used to come to you for help, tu bolta tha, jaa tere baap ka ek cigarette la phir help karunga. Mary still does not know you smoked. She didn't know about your habits, your love affairs, your secrets. But she knows everything about me. She loves me, cares for me and she also hates me..I know she blames me for your death. I shouldn't have taken you with me that day..I should not.."
His words trail off.

"Today we both are lonely, Mary and I. And I live with too many baggages. Too many burdens of deaths on my shoulders. That's why I am cursed. That's why nobody loves me back, not even mumma. Shehnaaz too does not love me. In fact she hates me..yes she hates me and loves him.."

He gets up holding the bottle and drinks directly from it. Then he goes to the closet and starts looking for something. He finds an old white shirt with stripes. It has turned yellow with time and there is a black stain near the pocket with a big hole.
He holds it close and smiles, "Decent istyle.."
"This is all I have of you. The shirt I gave you and you wore it for me that day."
He wipes his tears and is about to turn when his eyes fall on the bathrobe.

He grabs it and brings it close. Her frangrance still lingers in that robe. A smile appears on his face. The incident in the morning was very funny. She really thought he would take away his robe from her. And then her words ' Sidharth Raichand ka koi bharosa nahi..' starts ringing in his ears. The image of Ashmit pulling her into his arms comes back haunting him.
He goes outside and throws the robe on the floor. "I can't see you with him. I can't..no."

He takes out a cigarette and puts it in between the gap of his lips. He looks at the bottle of whisky and smirks,"Golden coloured bottle.."
He pours the liquid on the robe and then throws the bottle on the floor. It breaks crashing into pieces. He takes out a lighter and lights his cigarette. He sits down on the floor and takes a smoke.

"Teri khusboo jis mein basi ho, uss daman ko jala dunga.
Tere har ehsaas ko, har chuwan ko aaj mein mita dunga.
Bas khatam na kar paunga tere liye mere jazbaat.
Kuch yadein teri aur mere dil mein tere liye chupa hua pyar."

He then throws the burning cigarette on the robe. He keeps staring at it as it catches fire.
Water rolls down from his eyes and he whispers, "Why can't you..love me? Why can't you.. be mine? I just want you to love me like I do."
He looks at the flame and screams,"I love you Shehnaaz..I love you. SHEHNAAZ."

Sana after coming back from him, she had gone to her old room and cried her heart out. She didn't know what hurt her the most, Sidharth's behaviour or her guilt of being in the arms of Ashmit. There is nothing to feel guilty about the embrace. Ashmit and she were friends and had hugged each other before, many times. Also Sidharth's behaviour towards her was nothing new to her. In fact he actually did not behave very badly with her. Then why is she crying? After the episode of his drinking, a lot has changed between them. He has softened a bit and she has started to like him.
I don't like him. I don't hate him either.