his star

𝐗

𝐃𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐨

𝚘𝚌𝚝𝚘𝚋𝚎𝚛 𝟸𝚗𝚍, 𝟷𝟿𝟿𝟼

I hate him.

I hate him for everything he has done to mother and me.

A father should be some kind of role model for his son. He should've taught me important stuff, should've gone on adventures with me and he should've been there for me in general.

He wasn't and he will never be. He messed everything up and he is the reason why he, mom and I will never be a perfect family.

A part of me doesn't even hate him because of the fact that he is my father, that part of me hates him because he isn't the father I've dreamed of. I could always live with the thought of not having a nice and caring dad, but the worst thing was to know that I'm not the son he dreamed of either.

He didn't hide it, he didn't act as if he cared, he just showed me that I'm not enough for him. I tried to make him happy, I really did, but no matter what I've changed about myself, I never did the right thing to please him.

It took me years to realise that I might not be the problem. That it could be possible that he, my father, is the problem.

I'm not even sure if the name 'father' is the right word for him. Because he isn't. He has never been a father for me. It was like he just lived in my house and tried to change me. But he has never been my father, not really.

Every time I fell, he didn't help me up like any other dad would've done. He got angry, asked me why I can't even do the simplest things.

Every time I needed help, he wasn't there for me. 'Malfoy's are strong. They have to do things on their own, because they are everything but weak!' I don't even know how often I heard this sentence coming out of his mouth, but instead of standing by my side, he said this specific sentence to me.

Every time he actually did something good, he proved me wrong after all. It didn't matter if he bought me the best broomsticks, the best clothes or everything I've always wished for in general, because it was always the object that made me happy, not the man who gave it to me.

After every good deed came another disappointment. He didn't gift me because he loved me, he gifted me because he simply had the money to do so and probably because mother told him so.

He never showed me what love means. He never gave me a hug and told me how happy he is about my presence. He never told me that it's okay to not be okay.

The goal Lucius Malfoy always followed was to make me the son he wished to have, but I never fulfilled his expectations.

In a few situations, I felt like I could make him at least a bit happy. Bullying Potter and the Mudblood were little things that satisfied him, but it was never enough.

Be strong and brave, Draco.

Be fearless and don't think about others, Draco.

Be like me, Draco.

But I don't want to, father. I don't want to be like you. I've never been completely fearless, I just showed you that I am, so that you don't scream at me. I only pretended to like what you taught me, because I was scared of what you would do to me if I expressed my opinion openly. I only listened to you, because I was scared of what you could do to mother if I followed her advice instead of yours.

I've never planned on being the kind of man Lucius Malfoy is, but here I am now.

He destroyed everything for me.