his star

𝐗𝐋𝐈

𝐃𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐨

𝚖𝚊𝚛𝚌𝚑 𝟷𝟹𝚝𝚑, 𝟷𝟿𝟿𝟽

Imagine you are in a situation in which you represent a trap, a mousetrap to be specific. You were set up by someone and that someone is one specific person that would obey any wish that comes out of your mouth, but as soon as you were placed, there is no going back. The trap is final and the only thing that can be done is to wait for the mouse to get tricked, to get played. It takes some time until the victim shows up and in the mean time, the plan gets prepared more precisely.

I'm the trap in this picture and the person who helps me capture the mouse - destroy it basically - is Astoria.

Now that I'm actually carrying out my plan, I wish I could simply stop time and retrace every step I made until I reach the point where I was still sitting in my dorm, organising my wardrobe because I was too nervous to do anything else. I wish I could go back to that point and leave out the part where I decided to step out of my room in order to go to the common room, in order to place myself on the couch in which I'm currently sitting on.

Someone needs to prevent time from moving forward and turn it backward so that I don't have to smell her hair which is scented nicely - don't get me wrong - , but it's not the hint of vanilla and flowers that is sending my nose into heaven. Someone needs to give me the chance to let me pick the other choice I had, the choice in which I would've continued folding my pullovers instead of having my hands all over Astoria's body, listening to every sound that rolls over her lips.

The picture I made up in my head was meant to appear a bit less horrible to me, was meant to let me seem as the helpful trap whose only purpose was to get rid of the mouse that isn't able to keep its distance itself, but now I feel like I set the trap up for myself.

My plan will work, I know it, but in my imagination it was a bit easier. I didn't preconceive the consequences it would have and now that I try to keep my mind away from Astoria's moans, I have loads of time to think about every detail of my plan.

I just wanted to get rid of the mouse. I just wanted to get rid of Adhara.

But now I realise that I didn't just set the trap for Adhara. I set it for myself and for Astoria, too.

First of all - which was the original purpose - Adhara will get hurt. She will want to stay away from me because I broke the promise I swore myself to never every break, to never even harm in any possible way. As soon as she will lay eyes on me, she will forbid herself to ever try to talk to me again and just like that, my trap will have worked. The mouse will be eliminated and in some way, so will be the girl, even though I hate the bare thought of it.

The girl on my lap will be trapped because she is positive that after the long break we had, I couldn't stand to be without her any longer which has led to the situation I'm in right now. I will hurt her, not as bad as Adhara will get hurt, but Astoria most likely won't be able to forgive me either. She doesn't deserve it, I know that, but the innocent and credulous souls often are the best ones to fool.

And lastly, I'm the trap that traps itself. I have to hurt others and as a result, I get harmed too. The girl who has tried so hard to bring me to love her will eventually realise how fucked up I really am and I will lose her, even if that was my plan all along. I played her all those years, only ever used her for my benefits, and after this last act of giving her what she wants and taking what I need, I will drop her and she has to let go of me for good. Just because I never felt the same love she did toward me doesn't mean that I didn't like her. I did, I still do, which is why telling her the truth about our little make-out session won't leave me unbothered. Astoria is Astoria and even if I never wanted her, that didn't mean that I intended to let go of her completely.