Desire ; Remus Lupin

𝐶𝐻𝐴𝑃 𝑇𝐸𝑅 29

- NOT BULLETPROOF

Sana's pov: 

61 days. 

Two moon cycles. 

2 full months.

That's how much time I've spent away from him. Away from everyone if I'm being completely honest. 

Pushing everyone away was my way of telling them I was going to be okay. A lie, of course. I don't know if I'll ever be okay with knowing what I did to him. 

Hermione didn't buy one single bit of my act. She was the only person who checked in on me daily, mostly because she was the person who was around me for every second of our relationship. They were rather close.

My mother checked on me as well. But only through letters, she's staying with Sirius and I refuse to walk into that house. I refuse to have to face him because I know I will break the second I see the beautiful scars imprinted into his just as beautiful face. 

I also fear to think too much about him. I fear to reminisce because if I do I fear I could never stop. 

I would never stop thinking about how his hands fit so perfectly in mine, how his smile has the incredible ability to light up the whole room, an entire city even. 

He was my clarity.

But I couldn't help but memorise the two scars that were parallel to each other running across his face, his clear blue eyes that were so peaceful to look at, and his lips that brought me nothing but serenity. 

Without him I was evidently lost. 

And it was so hard to accept that it was over, that he probably found another much more mature woman who wouldn't do such a selfish thing to him. 

He was gone, and I was entirely lost. 

A knock at the door. 

I unwillingly sat myself up, looking directly at the wavy haired brunette that looked down at me which so much guilt, so much shame in her eyes. 

But by now I didn't care, all I wanted to do was burry my head so deep into her chest and cry shed every single tear. 

"Isabelle." I managed to whisper, "You're here. You're actually here." And for the first time in what felt like years I crooked a smile. 

Her smile was so bright I felt like she could erase every single bad feeling off my brain. "I heard about every single thing that happened, I knew for a while. I was just afraid to show myself, our dad has framed me for such cruel things and I still didn't manage to clear them off my plate. Mum still thinks I'm a monster, but I needed to be here for you." 

Her words tore me. For months I've been happy with Remus when my sister was suffering for acts she didn't even do. 

I felt horrible. 

"It's okay kid, let it out." And she didn't have to say anything else, I pulled her into a hug so deep I think I might've crushed her bones. 

I cried, I cried so hard for so many reasons that it made me realise I will never really be completely fine with what I said, but something tells me I don't have to be. 

Because he's something worth fighting for.

"I need him Belle, but I broke him so hard." I pleaded. 

The worst thing is I knew exactly where to find him, but I'm so scared of what I might see. What I might feel. 

***

Remus' pov: 

"C'mon moony, you need to get out of there someday." Sirius groaned from outside the door. "Spare me the drama, I'm doing just fine in here." I lied. 

"With just whiskey and chocolate? I don't think so. Its my turn to play big bad wolf now!" He yelled, now frustrated. 

"What do you m-" 

And before I could even finish my sentence an irritated and very tired looking Sirius broke my door down, entered with a loud and pain-filled groan. "Damnit I could've just used alohomora." 

He looked at me like I was some old abandoned cat in a dumpster, and honestly even the damn cat would've looked better than me right now. 

"You look truly disgusting mate." Sirius laughed, taking a bottle of whiskey from my not so secret stash. "Thank you Padfoot, those words really motivated me." I said sarcastically. 

"I know she left you and everything, but don't you think shed appreciate it if you got out of bed and did something other than drinking booze all day long?" 

"Yes, but drinking booze is the much better option." I shrugged, looking at my drained self in the mirror. "Oh Jesus-" I flinched. "I look awful. " 

Sirius scoffed, rolling his eyes. "I've been telling you that for weeks dumbass. Now would you go down the fucking stairs? We have a very impatient, might I add, woman waiting for us downstairs."

I laughed painfully. "How dense can one get? I'm not going to speak to her goddamn mother." He raised his eyebrows, almost surprised by my change of attitude. "Yes, Remus, you are. I figured that'll help, considering Anala is way hotter."

"You're extremely wrong, and also ew. Gross." I grimaced, picturing Sirius with the mother of my ex girlfriend is not a pretty sight to picture.

"Yeah whatever. Just get up, grumpy." He groaned, leaving the room and slamming the door shut."

I'm able to hide my emotions pretty well, except to Sana. She could see right through me, read me like I was a poem. And I miss it, I miss the feeling of her comforting me and telling me it was all going to be okay because I've lost all the hope that I've ever had in myself the moment she walked out the front porch. 

She taught me that I'm not the monster I used to see in the mirror everyday, she changed that reflection to a normal, perfectly fine, human.

Sana made me feel human again. But without her I can physically feel the humanity dripping off my veins, I was slowly dissolving, slowly becoming into the monster I once thought I was. 

I needed her, I needed her so desperately that I would do anything to have her in my arms, to smell her sweet smell of daisies. 

And I didn't give one damn about the consequences, the dangers in this fucked up war, she was worth it. She was worth every second of my energy, every bit of my strength. 

And I sure as hell wouldn't give up until I had her back with me, because I'm all alone and I'm so weak and I need her, I needed her so much I could scream. 

The pain was unbearable. It felt as if one hundred knifes were piercing right though my skin a million times, blurry faces laughing at me as they did, constant reminders of how vulnerable I am.

But then for the first time someone who wasn't Sirius walked into my room, and I suddenly felt as If I might have a little bit of hope left. 

Hermione.

"Hi." The curly haired brunette spoke awkwardly, eyes looking everywhere but my face. "We need to talk. Right now. "