Desire ; Remus Lupin

𝐶𝐻𝐴𝑃𝑇𝐸𝑅 31

- MY ONLY SALVATION

Sana's pov: 

Love is a bitch, right? 

Yes. Is what I kept telling myself. Yes is what I thought I should feel, but I was wrong. Love isn't the biggest bitch after all. 

Denial is. 

It's a fistful of unwanted emotions, it's a punch right in the stomach telling you to wake up.

It hits you in the most unexpected yet so painfully expected moments. The worst part is that it doesn't shut up, you have to suck it up and deal with it. 

I was weak. It was a weak decision, a weak moment. Perhaps the right word would be foolish. 

The moment yet alone managed to consume all of my senses. t was so intense and so incredibly mesmerising. 

Sirius did us both a favour by walking right in and waking us up of whatever trance we were under. I can't help but wonder what would've happened if he didn't walk in.

If I'm being completely honest I'm not sure I would've been able to maintain my self control, not that I had much of it in the first place.

I had absolutely no bloody idea of what was running through Remus' mind. I didn't know if he had the same intentions, the same strange and utterly hypnotising desire. 

I certainly wanted to know. 

You'd expect me to know everything about him already. But I didn't. There was so much more I'd like to know. 

Not just everything about him, but everything about him. I'd love to just explore every inch of his perfect body, memorise it until I get sick of envisioning his exact markings. 

It's a strange kind of want. One that manages to keep me up at night, leaving me with an urge, a hunger to have him so close. 

So damn close. 

I wanted it. I wanted it so bad and I'd give anything to have it, I would. And I could. But it would go against everything I've strived to protect him of, and I definitely do not want to be the one to blame for my own boyfriend's death. 

And I must be hallucinating because his owl comes flying straight into my room- well my window. 

It hits it with a loud thud. I flinch back slightly and burst into laughter, collecting the bird in my finger and the letter it carried. "Hello there, James." I whispered, stroking the owl's head lovingly. 

"A letter, yeah? Well go on, you come back here if Moony starts drinking again okay?" I cooed, the bird just twisted his head to the side. 

"Ah yes because all of the sudden owls can talk." I said to myself, chuckling slightly at my stupidity. 

The bird flew out the window once more, I watched as it peacefully flapped its wings and soared away. 

How peaceful must it be to a bird. So free, embracing the breeze as you soar your way out of all your problems. 

How liberating it must be. 

I stared at the letter for a couple of seconds. "Staring at it won't make it disappear, Sana." Came Hermione's rather cheerful voice. 

I smiled at her. "I know." 

Dear Sana, 

I'm well aware it's been a rough patch for both of us. 

But I miss you so much, and just that slight moment we shared yesterday was enough to lift me off my feet. 

I only wish to talk. Meet me at Hogsmeade around three? 

I'll bring chocolate. ;)

Love, Rem. 

I kept rereading the letter for what felt like a million times. Hermione joined in eventually. 

She gazed at me sternly, arms crossed. She looked like she had her mind made up. 

"I know you don't want me to go-" 

"I think you should go."  She finished. 

I looked at her. Startled. "Then it's settled. I'm going." 

She sighed a sigh of relief, rubbing my arms in encouragement. "I love you, alright?" 

"I love you too smartass."

***

"Hello." I mutter, inching closer to his awkward self that was pressed against a stone wall.

His hands were in his pocket, the wind blowing his hair all over the place, his shirt was slightly unbuttoned, it was unbuttoned enough to make me want to tear it apart.

"Oh thank god. I thought you wouldn't come." He hummed in relief, laughing to himself. "I even had a back up plan. It's called grab a beer and run." 

"And what makes you think I wouldn't have come?" 

"Don't play dumb love, it's evident you don't want to see me."

Wrong. Wrong. Terribly wrong.

"But you're here, so does that mean that has changed?" He proposed with a smirk, his hand running through his hair, making it just the right amount of messy. 

Yes. I want to say. 

Everything possible of change has changed. Everything but my feelings for him. Those seem to be stuck with me in every step that I make. They never manage to let go of me.

And if I'm being honest, I don't want to let go of them either.

It was these feelings that manages to get me through months with the slightest bit of hope that I'd be able to feel him like I once felt him. 

Now here we are, he's right in front of me and millions of opportunities are flying around us. We're so free and I don't think I'm ready. 

I don't think I'm ready to be free. 

"Come, I'd rather not talk in the middle of a bar." I laughed, leading him out of the bar and onto a desk isolated of the whole village. 

It was him & I alone. 

"I miss you, Sana. Can we at least try, if it doesn't work I'll leave you alone." He spoke lowly, looking into my eyes as if he was able to see the world inside them. 

"I really need you right now. We can get through this together." 

His hand was now on my face, and I could've sworn I was made of the softest plumes. I sighed. There is no way in the world I'm ready to give in.

But when will I ever be? 

"Remus."

"Yes?" 

"Kiss me."

And he does, he kisses me so desperately, so passionately, so incredibly breathtaking. He's kissing me and I'm on fire, I'm burning so slowly and all I can think about are his lips are on mine and I want so much more than this.

His were are suddenly on my waist, he was pulling me onto his lap and exploring my lips like they were made of a slice of a heavenly cake. 

The world is collapsing underneath us and I'm enjoying every second of it. "I've missed you so much, I've loved you so much." I say to him ever so quietly. 

"You will never be unloved by me my love, you're well to captivating to let go of." He whispers, stroking my lip with his thumb and I'm practically melting under his touch.

If I'm captivating then what the hell is he. 

The feeling is so deliciously overwhelming, its a heatwave of emotions and they're nothing but signals to hold him so tightly and never let go of him. Ever. 

"Sana don't you ever dare leave me like that ever again." 

"I don't plan on it."

He smiled, now holding me on his lap with his head rested on top of mine, hands rubbing my thigh so gently. "You, Sana White, are going to destroy me."