faith in You

18.

Robert sat naked in the shower, letting the scalding hot water burn his skin and turn it red. Robert had black stains running down his face, and the steam burned his throat. Robert had locked himself in the bathroom after running all the way back to the hotel. Robert was hysterical, he was in shock. Robert had scrubbed his body until his skin turned raw and red.

Robert let out a weak sob, leaning forward so his face was pressed into his hands. Robert had never felt like this before, it was terrifying. Robert felt so used, so rotten- the memory of Barry's cock violating his insides made Robert tremble with fear. "F-fuck" Robert cussed, angrily grabbing his hair and pulling it.

Robert wanted to rip his hair out, he wanted to tear the flesh away from his body; he desperately wanted to get rid of that horrible feeling.

Robert let out a choked noise before angrily turning off the water and standing up with shaky legs. Robert clambered out of the bathroom, barely able to see through his tears of anguish. Robert stopped at the mirror and whipped away the mist, staring at his decrepit form. Robert hated himself, he blamed everything on himself- if he had been more careful, more watchful, he could have somehow stopped it.

Robert grabbed his arms and let out a pained noise, looking at his reflection with hateful eyes. Robert needed to punish himself for being so stupid and allowing this to happen- he had to do something to make this feeling go away. Robert let out a shaky breath, eyes darting around the counter before landing on the razor he borrowed from lol one night to shave his face.

Robert swallowed thickly, his puffy red eyes unable to move away from the item. It was a simple hand held, single blade razor with a wooden handle. lol was given on his birthday from pork. Robert had been meaning to give it back to lol, but he just kept forgetting. Ideas began to run wild in Robert's brain, images of just simply using that razor to cut the skin away from his bones made Robert want to vomit.

Robert tore his eyes away, breathing heavily due to the sheer terror and shock he had been subjected to. Robert covered his mouth with his hand, feeling more tears burn his face as he turned away from the counter and crumbled down to the ground in a heap. Robert didn't know what to do to make it better, Robert didn't think there was any way to make it better...

****

The sudden sharp knock on Robert's hotel room door startled him awake. He must have cried himself to sleep after dragging his sore body to the bed. Robert didn't want to get up, he didn't want to see anyone. Robert wanted to be alone. "Robert- please open the door!" Simon's breathless voice said from behind the door; Robert figured that Simon must have run all the way to the hotel as well- but that didn't matter. Robert didn't bother to answer, he had locked his door tight and turned off all the lights.

Hell, Robert even went as far as dragging the heavy recliner chair in front of the door so no one could get in even if they managed to unlock his door.

Robert let out a croaky moan before burying his face further into his pillow, "fuck off Simon" Robert said, a bitter feeling resting in his chest. "Robert- please! I need to talk to you- unlock the door!" Simon begged, jiggling the door handle a little.

"For the last time Simon I said GO AWAY!" Robert suddenly yelled, his tone cold and unforgiving. "I don't want to see your ugly face! Fuck you and fuck off!" Robert yelled, wiping his eyes. "Robert- i know you're angry but please-" Simon begged, sounding even more desperate now. "Open- open the door!" Simon said, starting to sound a bit irritated.

"No!" Robert snarled, glaring at the door. "Yes!" Simon snarled back, banging on the door. "FUCK OFF SIMON!" Robert yelled, grabbing the lamp next to his bed and throwing it at the door in a fit of rage. The loud smash of the lamp startled Simon and he stepped away from the door, breathing heavily before clenching his fist.

"Dammit Robert- why are you doing this!" Simon said harshly, not understanding why Robert was pushing him away- especially after what he assumed just happened in that stall. Simon needed to get to Robert, he felt entitled to it.

"I don't owe you an explanation Simon- stop acting as if you know what happened because you don't! I don't want to fucking talk to you, i don't even want to be around you!" Robert said, not caring if he hurt Simon. Robert had nothing left to care about anymore.

There was a long pause of silence and then Robert let out a breath, laying back down. Robert heard Simon walk away, but he didn't care. Robert felt numb; he needed to be alone- and the last person he wanted to see was Simon. Robert let out a weak sigh and laid his face on the cold pillow, closing his tired eyes. Robert felt so exhausted, but at the same time he felt so...

So angry.

Robert wanted to hit something, someone... Robert had never felt so vile.

*******

The next morning it was time to leave once more, and as much as Robert didn't want to move; he dragged himself out of bed like some kind of wounded animal and dressed himself. Robert packed his things and then slowly made his way back to the tour bus. Robert carelessly tossed his bags on the couch before limping back to the bunk area and slipping into his bunk. Robert pulled his curtain shut and curled up into a ball under his blanket.

Robert listened as the voices approached outside, and then everyone started to get ready to leave. Robert didn't dare to come out of his bunk, he didn't want them to see how weak he had become; how pathetic he was.

Robert was close to his breaking point, every waking second was torture for Robert- he needed to be alone. Thankfully, everyone seemed to get the jist of Robert's mood; no one dared to walk back into the bunk area, they all avoided it. Robert guessed that Simon must have yapped his mouth to everyone about his aggressive breakdown he had last night.

Robert bit his lip, staring at the wall as he listened to the hushed whispers in the front of the bus. They didn't care, they were ignorant to Robert's mental and now physical suffering. They only thought that Robert was just being a moody bastard again- as per usual.

'If they only knew,' Robert thought, closing his eyes. 'They would laugh, imagine being raped by a man.... Utterly pathetic' Robert thought, his eyes burning with more tears. It seemed that was all Robert was good for nowadays; crying. Robert covered his eyes and let out a shaky sigh, feeling utterly pathetic.