faith in You

3.

Clutching hands touched Robert's hips, feeling them before digging their fingers into his skin. Robert groaned in pain, unable to move. Robert couldn't see, all he could do was feel. The burning pain of nails digging into his skin made Robert's senses burn with desire. “You like that..” a low voice whispered, palms pressing against his chest.

‘What is this’ Robert thought, unable to catch his breath as his hands slid up to his throat, fingers wrapping around his neck and tightening. Robert writhed, mouth opening to gasp for air, but he couldn't breath. “Fucking worthless… you’d be better off dead” the voice said, and suddenly robert could see. It was his reflection staring back at him.

Robert grasped the arm of his reflection, feeling tears welling up in his eyes before suddenly he felt like he was falling. Robert flailed, falling for what seemed like forever until he fell through glass. He could feel the shards digging into his skin, tearing away his flesh.

“Ah!” Robert shot up in a cold sweat, breathing heavily and shaking. Robert grasped his chest, hyperventilating. Robert looked around the dark room, not knowing where he was until he saw a naked woman next to him, who was waking up due to robet’s horrible nightmare.

Robert swallowed thickly, feeling wet tears falling down his face. “What.. are you alright?” the girl asked, sounding confused. Robert shook his head and got out of the bed, “s-sorry..” he whispered, pulling on his clothes. Robert grabbed his things once he was properly dressed and walked out of the apartment, realizing he had no idea where he was.

Robert whipped his face, unable to stop the frightened tears that flowed down his face. Robert was scared, he hadn’t had a nightmare as bad as that before. Robert began to walk down the street, hugging his coat close to his body. Robert could still feel the glass digging into his skin- it haunted him.

“Fuck” robert cursed, only getting more and more lost until eh had to face the fact. He had to call someone to pick him up. Robert gripped his hair, feeling helpless. “Fuck!” Robert yelled, sitting down on a nearby bench with a huff. Robert held his head in his hands, legs bouncing with his anxiety. 

Robert leaned back before taking in a deep breath, counting down from 5 before letting it out. Robert did that a couple of times before he felt a little better; he could think a bit more clearly now. Robert whipped away the tear stains on his face before standing up. He had to call the one person he did not want to see at the moment, robert wondered if he would even answer… 

****

“I can't believe you robert, honestly how stupid can you be!” simon hissed, driving a bit fast. Robert had called Simon, asking for a ride since he didn’t know where he was and he still felt a bit woozy from drinking so much hours before. Simon was hesitant but eventually showed up to where Robert was, sitting on the side of the road with a far off expression.

Robert sunk further down into his seat, hugging himself. Robert’s eyes were trained on his feet, unable to meet Simon's angry gaze. He felt numb. Robert let out a shaky breath, closing his eyes before wiping his face. “Not my fault I woke up somewhere strange..” Robert whispered, despite it literally being his fault.

“Ugh… whatever robert.'' Simon said coldly, obviously still mad at Robert from what happened at the club. Robert sniffed before whipping his eyes once more and laying his head against the window; deciding that it wasn’t worth talking anymore.  There was a heavy silence in the car, and Robert honestly just wished things could go back to the way they were when they first met. So carefree…

Robert felt so weighted by his internal struggles and addictions, Robert honestly thought that he would end up dead on the side of the road soon. “Tomarrow chris is going to start planning tour dates for the promotion tour of pornography after we release the album.” simon spoke up suddenly, his grip tight on the wheel.

Robert set his jaw, he didn’t want to think about that. He couldn't, he refused to.

“Are you going to be there?” Simon asked, sparing a glance at Robert, who didn't bother to lift his head. “Probably not… don't feel up to it.'' Robert whispered, rubbing his arms before looking out the window. Robert heard Simon sigh in frustration, “really robert… I'm getting worried about you. You doing real heavy drugs are you. You would tell me right?’ Simon said, forcing himself to stay calm.

Robert dug his nails into his arms before lowering his head, unable to speak. Robert closed his eyes, feeling his hands tremble a little. “Robert?” Simon persisted, but he still got no response. Simon frowned and suddenly slammed on the brakes, sending Robert forward. Robert grunted before glaring at Simon, “What the hell simon?!” Robert barked.

“Either you tell me what's going on right now or get the fuck out of my car. I don't drive drug addicts around robert- if you just tell me we can get you help!” Simon said sternly, glaring back at robert. “Jesus simon- you could have gotten into an accident!”

“What does it matter when my once closest friend is fucking killing himself with drugs and poor fucking mental health! Why do you do this robert?! You fucking act like you don't have anyone around you!” Simon exploded on Robert, throwing his hands up. 

Robert, being the stubborn pisshead he was, only glared at simon. Robert then turned and grabbed the handle, “that's right robert- fucking run away like you always do” simon hissed, looking away with a bitter expression. 

Robert gripped the door tightly before shaking his head and getting out, glaring at Simon one last time before slamming the door shut. Robert briskly walked away, overwhelmed by how strongly he was feeling. Robert whipped his face, suddenly feeling hopeless. Robert stopped walking, lowering his head before turning around, watching Simon speed away, leaving him all alone.

Robert choked back a sob before turning away and covering his mouth, keeping his head low before taking in a shaky breath and starting to walk once more.

‘I really need a drink..’ 

It seemed like no matter how much Robert tried to fix himself; he just made things so much worse. Robert had already lost most of his friends due to his shitty behavior; Mary had left him and he was sure Simon was going to leave him soon as well. Robert had become an expert at knowing when people were getting tired of him- except it hurt so much more when it was Simon who was growing tired of his constant self destruction.

Robert could barely see, his vision had become blurred due to the tears pouring down his face. Robert just wanted it all to end, he was so tired and it wasn’t helping that robot was still fucking lost and his only mode of transportation had just kicked him out of the bleeding car. Robert wiped his face, deciding to just walk in one direction; hopefully he would see something familiar and be able to find his way home.

What's the point in being sober, when it hurts more to remember.