Naruto Various! x Reader: The Disastrous Life Of An Otaku Ninja

Oh look it's another kid with trauma

Tazuna's POV~

"Why is Kakashi so heavy? Like seriously what has he been eating lately?"

The brat Y/n has been mumbling a string of complaints for the past thirty minutes.

"Stop complaining kid, honestly, what kind of ninja are you?" I sneered, insulting them under my breath.

Their head turned mechanically towards me, a sadistic gleam in their beady little eyes.

"Why don't YOU lug sensei around? Since I'm oh-so-pathetic maybe I should have the help of you: a 'competent, strong man'?"

I glared at them. "Absolutely not. I hired you. There's no way I'm doing anything like that."

The way they smiled was like artificial sweeteners. Sweet on the surface, but fake.

"Then sir, I highly suggest you SHUT THE FU-"

Their obscenities were cut off promptly by a nudge from the emo brat.

"You can't verbally abuse the client, idiot."

I grinned smugly at the dark-haired boy's words.

"Oh, but he can insult me?! Double standards! This is discrimination!" They pouted indignantly, their glare at me doubling in intensity. I stuck my tongue out. What a little brat.

My house came into view and I picked up my pace, leaving the four struggling children behind. Glancing at them from over my shoulder, I shouted out to them.

"Hurry up kids, I'm hungry."

Y/n huffed and tried to discreetly flip me off. What a rude kid. Funny, yes, but rude.

"I swear to god if Gato doesn't kill this man I just might-"

A pale hand slapped over their mouth.

"Y/n. Shut. Up. Now."

That was brave of the emo kid. Very brave. Especially considering Y/n resembles an angry piranha right now.

CHOMP

... I'm not surprised they bit him.

"DON'T BITE MY PRECIOUS SASUKE-KUN! ONLY I CAN DO THAT!"

"I didn't know you were into that sort of thing Sakura."

"Hey idiots pipe down, you're going to make Kakashi-sensei deaf."

"Guys..."

"DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO."

"...Guys..."

"Oh my dear Sasuke-kun, I love it when you get mad 😍"

"How did you say the heart-eyes emoji out loud-?"

"GUYS?!"

The commotion stopped and everyone turned to look at the orange twerp Naruto. He raised a hand and pointed at my house, whose door we were right in front of.

"We're at his house dattebayo."

The other three sheepishly bowed their heads in embarrassment.

I chuckled to myself. What wild kids, honestly. Then I realised they were my bodyguards and paled. These idiotic kids are my bodyguards...

I'm gonna die, aren't I?

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3rd Person POV~

Kakashi stared at the ceiling above him 'it seems I've overused my Sharingan..' he thought, lying completely still on the futon. A woman peered over him, 

"Are you alright sensei?" 

"Not really... it'll be hard for me to move for about a week," he said, sitting up. 

"Well, it'd be better if you didn't move for a while." 

Kakashi reluctantly laid back down, his students coming into the room. 

"Hey sensei's awake!" Naruto said, happy that Kakashi didn't die or something. 

"Come now, your Sharingan's amazing sensei but if it puts such a strain on your body, it may not be worth it!" Sakura scolded him, sitting down beside him. 

Y/n leaned over and looked at Kakashi, who stared back. "You're heavy," they said, deadpanning. 

Kakashi didn't have the energy to slap them. "Rude much," he mumbled instead. 

Tazuna piped up about how Kakashi saved them. Sakura asked about Haku, sending Kakashi off onto a long-winded tangent that turned into another tangent.
Y/n almost groaned, he's gonna talk for like 10 minutes... so boring. 

Can't we just time- skip already?

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Y/n's POV

Eventually, Kakashi stopped talking (thank god) and Inari, the little brat, ran in to hug Tazuna. I eyed the kid, daring him to say that stupid line. His eyes met mine. 

"Mum... these guys will die. There's no way they can go up against Gato and win." 

That little motherf-

I sighed and rolled my eyes, resting my hand on my chin. Oh look, it's another kid with trauma. 

"Say what you little brat?!" Naruto shouted defensively. 

Agreed Naru, the little brat needs to learn some manners. You gotta think all your insulting thoughts, not blurt them out loud. Save them for an argument or something, geez.

"Now listen up!" 

"I'm listening," I said offhandedly, watching Naruto with a smile. 

"I'm a superhero who's gonna become an awesome ninja named Hokage in the future!" 

"He will, I can feel it. In my bone." I added. Kakashi stared at me, regretting his life decisions.

"I don't care if it's Gato or Chocolat-" 

"Oh, yum,"

"I'm not worried about those guys at all!" Naruto finished, posing with determination. Hashtag main character things.

The little brat looked down, his fishing bucket hat covering his eyes in the Anime Way™. "Please, a hero? That's ridiculous. There's no such thing!" 

I raised my eyebrows in fake shock, "oh my gosh, really? That's horrible news! I guess heroes just don't exist then, because this little eight-year-old said so. 😔 such a shame 😔." I said sardonically.  Kakashi threw a pillow at me, an attempt to shut me up. 

"WhAt diD yOu sAY?!?" Naruto said, offended. He started walking towards the kid. Mans was ready to throw hands with the little fetus and I am LIVING for it. Sakura had to hold him back.

"If you don't wanna die, you should hurry up and go home," Inari said, leaving the room. 

Sasuke stared at the child's back. If I could narrate his thoughts I think they'd be something like this: 'what a little b*tch. what's that kid's problem? still has a family, has a clan, what do I have? Tomatoes, depression and PTSD. Dumb brat doesn't even know how good he has it- did he have to watch his older brother kill his entire clan? don't think so. little crybaby.'

Hehe, I wonder what he's actually thinking. 

"The sea...I'll be looking at the sea," Inari mumbled before leaving the room.

I looked at the door and tilted my head. He's going to go cry... I wonder if I should talk to him. Looking at Naruto, I thought for a second. No, Inari needs Naruto. I can help later. Right now though... I looked at Kakashi. An amused smile spread across my face. Kakashi looked like he could use a coffee with Redbull instead of milk. Same, man. 

"So... time to climb some trees I guess?"