The Flames of Medicine

31

*DISCLAIMER: MENTIONS OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS/ACTIONS. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU'LL BE TRIGGERED, IT'S NOT MY INTENTION TO FANTASIZE OR DEMEAN THE SERIOUSNESS OF THIS SITUATION. IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE CONSIDERING THESE OPTIONS, PLEASE SEEK OUT HELP. PLEASE REACH OUT TO THE NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE AT: 800-273-82558*

*1 MONTH LATER*

Michael's POV:

Looking at the x-rays confirmed what I had suspected. All I had left to do was make sure that the feeling and sensation had been recovered.

As I felt around his leg, I noticed some tender spots but it was to be expected from physical therapy. Satisfied with my examination, I turned to look at the 3 anxious men looking at me.

Luke's POV:

I wait anxiously as Michael goes over my bones and a full body movement and check up exam. I know he was being more thorough than he is with other patients, but if I want to get back to work I need a clean bill of health and Michael's signatures so I hold back my protests.

He writes something on my chart, which honestly looked more like an anthology now. Some parts of my back and leg still hurt, still were sore, but with my ongoing physical therapy I would make a full recovery. I stare at him anxiously as I play with anything my hand finds and I feel Ashton's hand on top of mine as a sign of support and to calm down. I share a quick smile that didn't reach my eyes with Ashton and Calum as they sit next to me waiting to hear my results.

"Well Luke," I hold my breathe and close my eyes momentarily "your legs have recovered wonderfully and are still doing so" I say looking at him smiling.

"sooooo... what does that mean?" I ask failing to hide my excitement

"it means I'm back to being terrified and worried to death now that you're able to go back to work" he says as he sits in a chair.

"I can -"

"BUT" he interrupts, " this doesn't mean you're 100% cleared"

"BUT I can go back to work?" I ask confused

"Yes, it does but there are still limitations you have to comply with until you're at full capacity and you don't have anymore pain. Don't think we haven't noticed your lingering pain in your back and legs. It's in the normal time period, however if it persists, there some nerves I have to consider looking into"

"So you're signing him back to work?" asked Ashton

"Yes. Now these limitations." Michael said as he looked at me. "Be fully honest with me Luke. Office work, yes or no?"

i thought i was doing a great job at hiding my lie by saying "yes" but it went the other way.

Calum's POV:

"Be fully honest with me Luke. Office work, yes or no?" Michael said as he looked at Luke with a raised eyebrow and concern on his face.

"yes." Luke said without missing a beat.

"Bullshit." I say as I glare at Luke. "you? working an office? please." i scoff.

"Calum." Ashton says as he looks at me, silently asking me to shut up.

"No, Ashton, let him talk. He's right anyways. I'd be lying to myself if I stuck with yes and got to work in an office and regretted it as soon as I walked into the fire commissioners office." Luke says looking at me then down.

"I didn't mean for it to come out so harsh Luke. Sorry for sounding like that. But I meant it, about you working an office. You wouldn't survive it. You'd lose your mind"

I look at him offering a small sorry smile as Michael continues "Luke I'm hesitant in signing you back to work because I know you can have easy shifts, but you can also have..." he looks down and fiddles with his pen, continuing on with a small worried voice "you can also have life altering and defining shifts. And your body cannot go through that again." and then in the faintest of whispers as he looks down again, "I can't go through that again. we can't go through that again."

I dry a tear before it slides off my eye thinking how Michael was feeling what the 3 of us were probably feeling. We were waiting for the day that Luke finally recovered and was cleared to go to work but now we all have a fear of whether or not he'll arrive home after shift or not.

"Luke..." Ashton says as he places a hand on Luke's arm. "Luke, we know you're eager and ready, more than likely, and an ill joke now, dying to go to work but while we're grateful you've recovered and are recovering well, you have to understand and see this from our point of view. We know you're more than capable and qualified to go back to work. And that the explosion wasn't your fault. But, what you have lived through these couple of months, it's not easy on your body and jumping straight into it again from the deep end is also not good for you. And honestly, we're not over the amount of times you decided to die in a span of half a year. Michael's right. Your body can't live through this again or anything remotely similar to it. It would be impossible to recover. And Calum's reaction is one that's logical too. We know you're dealing with anxiety and wanting to get back to work but, without dulling your trauma and experience, we sort of picked up our our own fear and anxieties and trauma living a few months playing a game of "will Luke die today or tomorrow?" as sinister as that sounds."

Claire's POV:

The last month I've lied so much to the guys and to Sophia. I Hide myself so much from the world. It's a cycle I've repeated before though and is nothing that has shifted.

wake up.

cover my body in make up.

go to school.

be treated like shit.

go home.

do chores.

do homework.

get picked up by Lewis's men.

live through hell.

sleep through nightmares.

wake up abused and out of place.

repeat.

Every time Sophie comes to check up on me, Laura is perfect. She cleans up and behaves like a normal decent human. When Sophia leaves, it all goes back to normal. As I sit on my floor cleaning up the blood Lewis caused, I'm thinking about my life and how much better it would feel if I could make it all go away and stop being a burden for everyone around me.

Looking at the blade on the counter, I reach up and break it away from the shaving handle. I stare at the blade as I place it slowly above my wrist and consider letting myself drift away from everything.