The Flames of Medicine

34

Luke's POV 

I was scared of being a firefighter.

It had come to this. 

The one thing I had fallen in love with, part of the thing I chose as my livelihood, is causing me panic. 

It had been 5 weeks of clerical and commanding work without going in to any active fire calls. I'm working analytical and commanding sites while everyone goes in and risks their lives but somehow, I still stand outside and help victims while living through mental health play-by-play in my head. 

I haven't mentioned anything to the guys, I act as if everything is fine and I'm just riding out my recovery time but every call, I relive the beeping of the bomb. Every time I put on my fire gear, I turn rigid on the thought of the material sticking to my arms, every time I hear the structure begin to give weight, I think about all the decisions and options running through my head when I felt the first wave of heat coming from the bomb, the pressure pushing me out the window, watching the world turn upside down, feeling the weight of my bones cracking and breaking as the ground broke my fall, the heat, inundating every inch of my body and not being able to do anything, being engulfed in pain, darkness -- 

"Lieutenant, Chief Bookridge is waiting for you in his office"

"Thanks Richardson."

----

"Chief, you were looking for me?" I close the door walking straight to the front of his desk, automatically standing in resting salute stance. 

"Luke, at ease, I wanted to talk to you without any titles. Just a long time friend asking how a friend is"

I relax my stance and sit at one of the seats he provides. 

I sigh. 

"How are you feeling Luke? I've seen your work and read your reports. Of course they are all great, but I want to ask and reach out personally how you're doing and how you're feeling... to get back to being 100% back on active duty"

I look up surprised at the offer. I was due back to full active duty a week ago, and Michael and Calum had signed off on all of the documents clearing me back to active duty but I hadn't given them to the chief. 

"Uh yes chief, I'm ready to get back. Been looking forward to it. I - "

"great, because i received the clearance paperwork from your doctors last week, and yet I was under the impression that you said you didn't have them?"

"Augh, yes, I didn't -"

"Hemmings, is there something you're not telling me? Should I be looking for a replacement if you need more time? I completely back you up for that, please know I do not intend in fully replacing you, but understand that if you need more time, i need to know, a team depends on your well being and with you being about 6 months out with your position still waiting for you, I can only pull so much weight on your favor."

"I understand chief, and I'm grateful for leaving my position open to me and not streamlining floaters for the year while i recovered as the bylaws say. And I am ready. Yes, I hesitated to come back, but not per any reaction to work, I actually had a few personal things I had to take care of and get arranged before I officially came back and i have no issue in coming back full time."

"great, then it's settled. You're fully back this Monday."

I stand up quickly with a smile on my face and go back to stance. 

"Thanks chief. Anything else?"

"That was all. dismissed,"

"Chief." I said as I nodded my head and turned around leaving the office and heading to the apparatus floor to head out to work. 

I find the restroom door and swoop in quickly hiding behind a stall breathing quickly as all the sound blocks off and i hear a loud ringing. My vision turns into a tunnel and everything is blurry. I feel everything i've eaten and the bile making its way up my throat as I give in and throw up, waiting. 

waiting for the panic attack to pass, as I've done for the last 2 months. 

I've kept them hidden and no one knows.