for, lover (Completed; editing)

Chapter 38

My first instinct is to laugh at him. I was under the impression that he was joking with me but the look in his eyes makes it clear that he wasn't. 

"I don't know..." I exhale, turning my head slightly away from him.

Avoiding eye contact would make this easier. Maybe. 

"If you don't have feelings for me then this shouldn't be a problem, right?" he taunts.

The corner of his mouth curls up in a twisted and smug type of way. My chest tightens as his warm breaths graze my skin. 

"I don't go out of my way to kiss guys I have no feelings for when I'm sober." I mumble almost low enough that he can't hear me. 

"That's fair. In that case, I guess I can't leave you alone. My infatuation has gone too far at this point."

I throw my head back in laughter.

"You can't hold me hostage until I kiss you. That's frowned upon these days." 

"Damn, is romance really dead?" He barks enthusiastically. 

"I guess so." 

I push gently at his chest to force him back so I can get out of the chair. It was a great attempt, I'll give him that. Though still not great enough to go against everything I've already said to myself that I wouldn't do. 

Tony lets out a deep sigh and digs his keys out of his pocket.

"I should probably go then?" he asks. 

I press my lips together firmly and nod, walking over to the door to let him out. He hangs his head down and steps outside, turning back one last time.

"I'm serious about just getting to know you better. It doesn't have to mean anything more if that's not what you want." he tells me.

"You're okay with just being friends?" 

He shakes his head. "No, but I'll take what I can get. Goodnight Bree." 

He takes a step down and walks across the lot to his car. I slowly push the door shut and press my forehead up against it. 

It's weird having guys putting in an effort to get to know me and actively wanting to be in a relationship. I don't know how to process all of that, let alone make a decision that I won't end up regretting in the end. 

I take a deep breath, deadbolting the door before heading to my room for the night. That interaction could have gone much more differently if I was mildly less depressed. I'm actually impressed that I was able to reject a guy as attractive and eager as Tony. I'm not proud of it because I know by morning I'll probably be pissed off at myself for passing up the opportunity of not being alone. I hate that we've all let the thought of being alone be defined as some big misfortune. I don't even hate being alone but I feel like I have to because society thinks it's horrible. It's not that I'm trying to jump on the bandwagon or anything, it just makes me rethink my own opinions that get clouded by everyone else's. 

I climb under my covers and reach over to turn off my bedside lamp. The moonlight still pokes through my curtain, illuminating just enough of my room to distract me. My eyes scan the room and fall on Maddy's Christmas present hanging on the wall. It's comforting to be reminded of grandma Bea when I start feeling bad about myself. She was one hell of a woman with those old family stories that could write an entire book in itself. I'm still amazed by the amount of detail she got in the face of her with oil paint. It really feels like I'm in the room with her again listening to her laugh, watching her eyes crinkle with the widest smile I've ever seen, and getting tucked in by one of her favorite hymnals before bed. I smile and close my eyes, completely content with it being the last thing I think of tonight. 

By morning, I'm woken up at sunrise with the birds chirping outside my window. Summer has its perks until you're forced awake at 6 A.M. by the same aggravating blackbird that perches itself on my window ledge every single day. Sometimes I can drown it out but I was already having enough trouble sleeping. I felt like I had dreamed all night and I can't even recall a single one. They must not have been that momentous if I can't remember anything that happened. 

I get up and get the coffee pot going while I take my morning shower. I even ended up scrambling a few eggs with a side of toast making me miss hospital whole grain waffles. It's really sad when hospital food tastes better than your own cooking. Another reason why I wish Maddy was home. 

Maybe the next fad I try will be learning to cook for myself. I'm going to have to if I'm planning on being on my own for a while. I can't depend on Maddy being home all the time to help me cook when her relationship with Ben has only intensified. Is it horrible to be surprised by how well they seem to be doing? I never thought in a million years that Maddy would go for a guy like that. I knew Ben to be the type to take what he can get (probably because he chose someone like me) but Maddy actually genuinely enjoys him and it's so unreal to me. 

The top thing on my guilt list is not being happy for her. It's the shittiest way to feel about your best friend. She's thriving with school, boys, and her impeccable talent. She's gotten past her demons and worked her ass off on her mental health. She went on a last minute excursion with me knowing damn well that I was putting myself in emotional danger that ended up turning into physical danger too. 

Jealousy really is a bitch. It's a disease I've fallen victim to over and over again. Even in my success, it won't be enough. There's always going to be someone that does better than another and for some screwed up reason it's not sensible to just be happy for that person. It always has to be something more cruel and vicious. I hate that I've become accustomed to feel resentment towards others' success. There's no doubt that it contributes to why I haven't found prosperity in myself. For awhile I thought it was just because of my age. I figured at some point in my life I would get thrown all these opportunities to do something with my life and finally realize a purpose out here. Watching Maddy made me think differently. She's getting everything she has ever wanted and there hasn't been a single day where she didn't work for it.