phosphenes (n.) zoro x sanji [roommates au]

chapter 27 - kophosis

s/n: the reason why i wanted to die, nakashima mika

" you're heavier than heavenly. "

- lana del rey

[ sanji ]

HE COULDN'T SLEEP WITH NAMI
in her bunk and didn't want to disturb hers with his restless tossing and turning, so he quietly slid off the bed and made his way to the kitchen.

The blond boy found his coat and wrapped it around himself before stepping out, feeling the evening breeze tingle on his cheeks.

Sanji found his fingers in his coat pocket before it even crossed his mind, and they naturally pulled a smoke out with his lighter.

Nami hates his smoking, and he had been trying his best to quit. She hated the smell of it on him.

He really was giving his best to stop but it was second nature to him, as natural as breathing. It was the only thing that can calm that volatile sea of his mind. As he gently blew the grey smoke out, he felt momentary bliss blossom across his chest.

It liberated the tightness between his ribs...a kind of melancholic longing that likes to torment him when he's alone with his thoughts.

He didn't like going back to his dorm these days; the empty space made it hard for him to breathe. But when he's with Nami...he felt like trouble.

He likes her, and when he keeps her up with his nightmares, he feels like...shit. He could see her tiredness accumulate with each passing day  and it's only a matter of time before she leaves me too, he thinks.

They are both on the brink of breaking. Or maybe it was just him. Sometimes he felt like one of those babushka dolls—there were layers and layers of himself underneath this skin and he forgot which was the real Sanji.

And this best version of him that is Nami's boyfriend is disintegrating and he can't piece his mask back together.

His darkness is spilling over.

• • •

Her eyes were wide and glassy and a little like the ocean before a storm, cool and calm and quiet and waiting.

She looked like she wanted to scream a thousand million things but she could only whisper, heart-wrenchingly;

"So, you're leaving me?"

The blond boy felt that he was not in control of himself. The evening wind felt like it could blow through the gaping hole of his heart.

He could almost see the ink from his hands stain her beautiful being all over. Damn, he was dirty and yet...

Yet he needed someone to be with him. Even though they will be dragged down with him.

I love you, so I have to leave you, that sounds stupid even to him. But he said it anyway, he didn't know how to say it otherwise.

Her body shuddered and her palm collided with his cheeks and his head was thrown to his side. The hot pain lingered at the surface of his skin, but he knew it was nothing as compared to what she was feeling.

"Grab your things and go." She turned away from him, as if his very sight was unbearable. He deserved that and more.

"I'm..." The blond boy wanted to apologise, but he knew it would only make things worse so he left it at that and took his clothes and his coat from the door.

"I should've known..." Nami's voice was near a whisper but he could hear it all clearly. "The cigarettes you promised to throw away are still in your pocket, aren't they?"

He didn't say anything. He didn't need to. She already knew. So he left, with another thousand million words unsaid.

• • •

It was always beer, the ocean and moonlight for him. He loved the sea and everything he chose had to be near it. He didn't care even if his school didn't have the right subjects—as long as it was close to the ocean, it was perfect.

He remembers the picnic, the times he had with roommate, but his memories started changing. The footage was the exact same, but the video player that was used for his memories was switched from the moment the green-haired boy confessed his love for him.

This time he remembers the blush behind the tanned boy's ears and the way he avoids his eyes rather than joking around with Luffy—he remembers his roommate's warm arms around him.

It was a kind of warmth that penetrated deep into his bones. He never had anyone telling him they loved him before he tried making them fall for him.

He never had anyone love the ugly Sanji inside of him.

He never really tried to show his good sides to his roommate—sometimes he was frustrated, annoying, whimsical and his roommate just accepted it and fell for him.

How can anyone love this horrible darkness inside of me?

Wind pricked at his eyes as his tears glossed the world around him, making throat burn and his nose inhale sharp air.

He screamed to the ocean and it roared back.

He wished he was a kinder person, a person who can the people he cared about happy, a person who wasn't such a fucking loser.

Is roommate blind or something? Can't he see that he is a repulsive husk of a human, a ball of needle and daggers who will hurt him if he gets close?

this chapter doesn't contain much zoro and sanji content, but i hope it shows you more about Sanji's thought processes and his experiences, and it makes zoro's actions and affections towards him more significant and special : ) tell me what you think!

<3