My Sunflower *h.s*

53

Molly

It's been two weeks since my first therapy appointment with Victoria, I've now been to three in total. The second session was a little better than the first, just some more ice breakers and casual talking to get comfortable. But, the third session got a little hard.

We got a little more deep about my issues with Isabelle and how I am not connecting as much as I want to, or as much as I feel I have to. Which was another issue we dived into. She kept having to remind me that I don't "have" or "need" to have that instant connection with Isabelle in order to be a good mum.

By the end of the session I was crying and felt like even more of a failure. But as I walked out I was reminded that therapy get's bad before it get's better. And I keep hoping that's true, because if this is what therapy is then I don't want to keep going.

But that leaves me with my task for the day, trying to bond with Isabelle. But Victoria told me to complete one task a week for now. And those tasks are spending some alone time with the baby with help nearby if I become too overwhelmed.

That aspect made me a little more comfortable since I tend to get overwhelmed with the baby often. But Victoria said I should do as much as possible on my own before I call for backup. But once I get overwhelmed I need to get somebody so I don't start to associate spending time with her with anxiety. And also so that way she doesn't get upset and causes everything to spiral.

So, instead of Harry going to his meeting, he brought his meeting here while Erica and our families went out for the day. Harry and the band and his team are downstairs in the living and dining room and I'm upstairs in our bedroom.

I brought her swing and playpen in here along with some toys, extra change of diaper, and a blanket. My nursing supplies were already in here for earlier. So, I should be good for a while with just her and I in here.

Harry turned his ringer on and knows if I call then I need him. We have special ringtones for each other now, he set it all up the other day. If he calls me, sunflower plays, and if I call him canyon moon plays.

I teased him for it at the time but I secretly love it. Makes me feel special that he did that so he always know's it's me calling without even checking the caller ID.

Isabelle is laying on my chest as I relax in bed, watching some quiet television. She has her back against my chest, her eyes following the visuals on the screen as her little hands play with my fingers.

If she stays like this for the next couple hours, I should have no issues being in here alone.

I don't know exactly how long Harry's meeting should be, but they're discussing the album release as well as promos, music videos, and photoshoots for the album. I have a feeling it's going to be a long meeting to discuss everything and then they will have several other smaller meetings for specific aspects of the album.

Soft coos are coming from Bella occasionally, that and the tv being the only sounds in the room, leaving me to get lost in my thoughts.

Being alone with the baby still makes me nervous, I have the fear that she's going to need something I won't be able to fulfill and it will result in her crying for hours. Realistically I know help will come before she has the chance to scream for hours but still, I don't always remember to think rationally when it comes to the baby.

Besides, she still prefers to be with Harry most of the time. That seems to be her comfort spot, anything near Harry makes her happy. It's kind of insulting considering I was the one pregnant for nine months and then was in labor for basically a whole day, but whatever. There's no arguing with a one month old baby.