Learning to Fall (One Direction Fanfic)

Chapter Twenty:

A week of school and I had talked to four people. Danny, Jess, Well, and my English teacher. They had all noticed something was wrong except for Well. She continued talking about parties I had missed like she always does. I had made up some excuse about not coming with her to the one tonight. Granted, she was pissed, but at least Well didn't force me to go. I couldn't handle that. I don't think I could handle anything.

I was in my room, under the covers of my bed, trying not to remember. It was for the best, I knew. I was right to have left. I just never thought it would be this hard. I still loved Niall. God, even thinking that hurt.

He had texted me so much at first. Mountains of messages and missed calls. They had started to slow down, but today I got none. Good. I hope he forgot about me. I deserve to be forgotten.

Suddenly, my phone buzzed on the bedside table. Please, please don't let it be Niall. Please let him forget.

But it was Niall. The picture of us covered in ice cream after we went mini golfing was flashing against his name. He was calling. I waited it out, the phone finally going quiet. I knew what I had to do. My hands slow as lead; I went to his contact and clicked the "Block Number" button.

The moment I did this, I dropped the phone like it was on fire and let out a choked cry. I ran down stairs and looked for something, anything that would distract from the tearing sensation in my chest. I saw half an apple on the table and took a bite without thinking. Then another, and another, and another until there was just the core left. Oh my god. What did you just do, Jax? What the hell did you just do? You fucking idiot.

I didn't know how my mood switched so suddenly, but I was immediately filled with the strongest self-loathing. I felt disgusted to the point where I might be sick. Good. That's what I needed. I ran up to the bathroom, the one that I used to share with Mick and Rory but was now only mine. Leaning over the toilet, I stuck two fingers in my mouth. I didn't know what came over me, but I couldn't stop. It kept coming; passing the point I wanted it to. Finally, I gasped for air.

I jumped to the sink, scrubbing my hands clean. I flushed the toilet. Tears I didn't know where there streamed down my face. No one could know. My eyes darted around the room nervously. No one was home, but my heart was pounding so fast I could hear it thundering in my ears. Then I saw a picture taped up on the mirror. It was us. It was the Polaroid from the beach. That perfect day, before I went and screwed everything up. Before I ruined Niall's life. I snatched it off the mirror and without thinking tore it in two.

I stared at the two ripped halves, separating the both of us, and I went over the edge. I leaned against the wall and sank down until I was crouched on the ground. Sobs wracked my body and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I felt hopeless.

..............................

Sunday afternoon and I hadn't left the house since my breakdown on Friday evening. I think Jess knew something was wrong, but she left me to myself. I didn't tell her about the trip, so she probably assumed something happened then.

At that moment, I was sitting on my balcony with my legs dangling over. I rested the side of my head against the smooth metal railing, hoping it may calm me down. It wasn't until I tasted something salty in my mouth that I realized I was crying. I took in a shaky breath and pushed away the tears. I needed to stop this. I had to be strong and forget about everything. The past six months, they shouldn't have happened. I was so bad for him. Niall deserves better than anything I could ever give him. Our entire relationship should be erased. I was going to erase it.

I got up and walked downstairs into the kitchen. Aunt Jessica was sitting at the kitchen table, eating an orange while she read the paper.

"Hi there, love. What've you got there?" she asked, nodding to the trash bag I was taking from under the counter.