Too much

8: Not this again

Billie's P.O.V

Star let out a sniffle and I began placing little kisses all on her face and neck. I try not to show it so I can be strong for her but I'm frustrated. She never lets me know what goes on in that head of hers. Leaving me to guess why she is upset or why she's quiet. At this point, I don't know what to do because I can't help her if she doesn't let me. I sigh and pull her closer to me. It's like a never-ending roller coaster with her but I'm here for it.

"Billie?" I could just barely hear her call my name. "What it is baby?" I asked anxiously hoping she would tell me something. Anything. I normally wait for her to talk to me when she's ready but how much longer does she expect me to wait? I feel like I'm going in this relationship blind and I don't know the right things to do or say anymore. She lets out a sigh and her body jolts a little bit. She gets out of my arms and sits up. I sit up straight and turn my body towards her. Our eyes lock and she nibbles her bottom lip nervously.

"I'm pregnant." I had to do a double-take to make sure those words really came out of her mouth. I thought I couldn't impregnate someone. But I did. What the hell do I do now? I mean, I like Star and I would love to have kids with her one day but now? My mouth hangs open as I process what she just told me. All kinds of thoughts swimming through my head. The car falls in complete silence. The tension is ground-breaking. Now I'm gonna eat my words because I wanted her to tell me something but I wasn't ready for this.

I try to say something but nothing comes out of my mouth. The words are caught in my throat. I think for a second then open my mouth but still...nothing. "Please say something." she whispers. I can see the hurt in her face. My absence of words giving her all the information she needs to know but she doesn't want to accept it. I attempt to say something but the only thing that comes out is incoherent words. She lets out a shaky breath then she quickly gets out of the car.

It takes my dumb ass a minute to realize she just got out of the car. Once it processes in my mind, I quickly get out after her. I run after her and grab her by the wrist. She turns around and I could see the tears falling onto her cheek and shirt. "Star I'm sorry I-I don't know what to say." It hurt me so much to see her break down like this and especially since it's my fault. "What the fuck do you mean you don't know what to say? Something. Anything. Don't just sit there and stare at me. How do you think that makes me feel? What do you think that makes me think?" she snaps, choking on her words a little.

I swallow the lump in my throat and ignore the tightening in my chest. I force my eyes to stay open, the salty wetness pricking my eyes. "I am so sorry but that's a lot to take in. How do you expect me to act?" "Stop saying that." "Saying what?" "That you're sorry. I'm tired of that word. I feel like we say that to each other more than we say 'I love you'. Stop apologizing and tell me what's on your mind." Her teary eyes search mine and all I see is heartbreak and anger. I decide to ask the big question that's been swimming in my mind the whole time.

"Is it mine?" I ask lowly.

A roller coaster of emotions cross her face. Confusion, hurt, shock, guilt, anger. "Are you fucking serious? I thought we were done with this. Why the hell would you- you know what? Fuck off Billie." She snatched her arm away from me and began walking away. I followed her and tried to grab her again but she moved out of my reach. "Star I'm sorry but I mean- you can't really blame me for asking. It's not that I don't trust you, it's just-" "Just what Billie? Just because I made a mistake does not mean that I would do it again. And get pregnant by someone else? Really Billie? That just shows what you think of me. If we can't trust each other then why are we doing this?"

Her words hit me like a ton of bricks. I stopped walking and looked down at her with wide eyes. Scared to say anything else to make this worse than it already is. "What are you saying?" I whisper, my voice cracking towards the end. She hesistates for a second but then she says, "I'm saying I need time to myself. I can't deal with this right now. I can't deal with you." The last sentence made my heart hurt and my eyes gloss over with a new sheet of tears. My eyes flicker down to her stomach. I reach my hand out and graze her stomach with my fingertips. Tears come out my eyes, no longer able to be held in. I looked back up at her with pleading eyes. I know she feels worse because she never sees me cry. More tears spill out of her eyes as she slowly moves my hands down then completely off of her.

She turns around slowly and starts to walk off, leaving me standing there. She turned back around and said, "By the way I'm a little over a month pregnant. So no I didn't cheat and it is your baby." She gave me a sad smile and continued walking away. "Where are you going?" I yell after her. "Home. I'm getting an uber. Go home Billie." I let out a sob followed by a shaking breath, watching her leave. It hurt. Everything hurts and right now I just want Finneas and Claudia to tell me it's okay even though it's not at all okay.

---

I stand there for a while until Star's uber came and she got in. I turned around and slowly walked to my car. I wasn't crying anymore but my eyes were glossy and my face was red. I started the car and sped out of the parking lot. My thoughts eating me alive. Star pregnant with my child growing inside of her. My feelings still weren't clear about the situation but I just know I want to be there for Star. I don't even know if she wants the baby. I mean probably because if she didn't, she wouldn't have told me. I run my fingers through my hair vigoursly when I stop at a red light.

I feel bad for accusing her but what does she want me to think? She's been so secretive and to herself all this time and she's cheated before. That's a little low to think she'd cheat and have a baby by someone else but I trust her. Or trusted her. I was so sure I did once I forgave her for that whole fiasco. But maybe I was wrong. Maybe I don't completely trust her. You can't get that back overnight. 

Shortly I pulled up to my house and I immediately got out and went inside. "Hey sweetheart. How was it?" my mom asked. "Where's finneas? Is he here?" She looks at me up and down now noticing my mood. "He's upstairs. What's the matter?" I shake my head and go upstairs. I see him and Claudia in the guest room goofing around. Claudia's smile dropped when she noticed my face. "Hey. Hey. Hey. What happend?" "I'm such an idiot." I whisper and collapse into finneas's arms. "What's the matter bils?" he asks. "I don't wanna talk about it." I whisper and nuzzle my head in his chest, silently crying. Unfortunately, he realizes I'm crying and he rubs my back while telling me it's gonna be okay.

This day has literally backfired. 

Guys I cried while writing this and  I'm in front of people and it was um embarrassing and plus I never really cry so yeah. I don't even know why I did that. Anyways, I love you all. Bye.