Not Yours | H.S

twenty one

tw; suicidal themes.

(baby betrayal)

"Amara drives, you two guys in the back, yeah?" I made it clear as we walked out into Harry's car.

"Don't lower my grades if I crash this car Mr. Styles."

There was nothing humorous in her voice. She knew it was deep shit, everyone knew, the air was tightened and the throats became blocked as we stayed silent.

Amara was clearly stressed and upset, she was blocking it the way she knew how to. Except, I knew that and I knew how to read my own best friend.

I said it was about Toby but she doesn't know he's dead. She doesn't know why I'm meeting Zayn, but I'm sure she'll find out the reasons soon enough. That could be if Louis, Harry or myself told her, she was going to have it in knowledge before the night withered away before we could know.

I've changed into some shorts and one of the warmest hoodies I have. It was raining, but if I was to wear long pants I wouldn't be able to focus right. My body was pumping adrenaline through my blood lines, I couldn't slow down the pace of my heart no matter how still or calm I contained myself.

The car movies, it was awfully silent. My mind tells me it wants noise but the conscious bit of me that is awake, knows it's nothing but a big trick.

If I was to have noise, I would become frustrated and agitated physically. Verbally abusive, to some extent. I can never control my mouth when it has a million things to say.

The engine wasn't what was clear in my mind, nor the soft pitta-pattas of the rain. It was Toby screaming at me, he was still around, even if he was the one who got to be at peace.

That's what it felt like. He won.

He won the final game he gave me, but it's not like I could ever win his mind games anyway.

Maybe he was free. Maybe I was free.

If it was me, it felt like a torturous way. Yeah, I got what I wished for, I asked for him to leave. I just didn't ask for it to the extent of trauma, despair, a loss of another....

Congratulations, Toby Smith. My baby will never meet its dad.

I didn't even want the little life to meet him, so why did it feel like I have lost something entirely?

Or maybe- Congratulations, Polly Prescoot. She never once listened to the saying; be careful what you wish for. Here she was, paying nothing but the full cost of the price.

"Does everyone have my attention?" Harry speaks up in a low, sincere voice. Using his teacher tone, to gain the respect and right behavior that was needed.

"Me and Poll do." Amara speaks up, her eyes not moving from the road omce.

"Alright, Polly is going to go out by herself and meet Zayn. If she needs assistance, it's Amara who goes out. If anything physical happens, Louis will rush out before anything terrible can happen. I promise. If it comes down to it, I will have to follow out too, but that's under extreme circumstances."

We all take in his information, I'm sure almost all of us are just planning on how it's going to go. It was just the part of our brain, it was human to do it. Planning out, in your head, letting imagination take you to a place that wasn't even there yet. It was close to preparation, if it was close to the right goal. Half of the time, it never was....

Harry had been a dime, nothing but an angel. He knew where he stood and he knew if he should talk or not. I wasn't up to thanking him, but i could sense that he already had that information stored in his brain.