Not Yours | H.S

forty four

Polly Prescott, March. 2021.

"For you." I smiled politely at Harry. We were still treading on thin ice, no matter how much we pushed the boundaries the past few days. "Protect yourself with a warm barrier, the fire is enough for me."

He shoots a wide smile at me, but he doesn't seem so happy with himself or his choices. It's not a face of regret, but his body language didn't scream confidence either. I try to push past, bringing out the dominance that shows up in my personality every now and then. I grip the thick material in my hands and stand behind him, placing it over his shoulders and through to the sides of his body so it reaches the front, not making it fall.

"There." I say with please, stepping back in front of the logs to sit down next to him.

He was examining me under this light and he was in no means trying to hide that factor. If I was to stare him down the way he was doing to me, I don't even think he would notice. I just don't want to draw attention to the fact I know, I don't know if he wants me to see through it at the moment.

He's been very sure of our situationship going on, but he definitely has his doubts that haunt him. Big broad shoulders boy, he's trying to hide it. The neglect in my life gave me the power to read people, or have a slight understanding of them before I actually got to know them. Something tells me I'm right about this one.

So beautiful, soft green eyes that even shine through the tinge of orange brought from the flames keeping us warm.

He was scared.

I was scared.

I'm not scared of abuse or being touched, I'm scared of being abandoned and rejected right before I have the arrival of my baby. Or even worse,in the midst of caring for a newborn, wanting him to stay, dreaming about him being a father figure.

He would most certainly be a better father than Toby.

It was so wrong, what we have is so little, so minor. I can't put it on him, I have to let it flow into this shit naturally,he has to be committed one hundred percent and that's not for me to sway him into that. That's for him and his mind to make up.

My baby needs a home, just as much as I do. He feels safe and he feels like a security blanket. I haven't been filtered with care from many people and it was feeling like finding the most rare piece of gold in the world.

And for all the worst reasons, I feel as if i've hit the jackpot.

The shimmer in his eyes was something I never wanted to even start to indulge in. The lush green was something I'd dive into and never make it out alive from, who am I kidding? I literally have green eyes myself. Thing was, they are dull, they see horror. His are the versions that seem to see love, happiness and care.

I knew he was uncomfortable to some extent, I just don't know in what aspect that exactly was. There could be a million reasons, some including me, some involve me and some just have me there.

Regret - does he wish he came here alone? Does he think of all the endless possibilities and outcomes that this trip may include in it.

Safety - is he scared of hurting me and my fragile body? Couldn't blame him, my past was just like the fire in front of us, it was hot and burnt you if you got too close to it. It wasn't something to play with, he still doesn't know my boundaries yet.

Loss - the fear of losing his job and all that he's studied for, just to go to waste. All because he decided to take a leap, help a girl out. Maybe it was the wrong leap.