Forked Roads Back

89 - ARCHIE

BY THE TIME I had finished speaking, my voice was so dry and hoarse that I didn't think I'd be able to say another word.

Tessa hadn't moved. The only part of her that had was her hand, which was now holding mine. The room was dark around us, but I can see the tears in her eyes and on her cheeks despite the darkness.

I'd told her everything. I'd re-lived my worst moment, the most painful memory, but I also felt like a weight had lifted off my chest and shoulders, and I expect from hers too. I'm able to breathe easier, because she is the only one who could possibly understand what I'd been going through. For her, the weight is gone because these are the answers she's been seeking for such a long time.

I only hope she now understands why I left. What I saw that day, how I just abandoned him, not even trying to fight to get back to him, to hold his hand through all of it, the way he did for me.

I can see her eyes in the darkness looking through me as she tries to process everything I've said, all the detail, and I know that, as she squeezes my hand, she needs me to stay. She needs me to be here, wherever she was, at least for tonight, because I know she would have the same nightmares I'd been having for the last four years. She needed someone who understood, someone who could hold her and tell her that everything would be okay. It had been what I needed all those years ago, and it's what I kept pushing away when, in fact, it was exactly what I needed. But I wouldn't do that to Tessa. She needed me, and I wasn't going anywhere this time.

"I'm here okay," I whisper, sliding closer to her, wiping the tear from her cheek. "I'm not going anywhere."

Her eyes focus in the darkness, finally looking at me rather than looking through me. She nods gently, but I can't tell whether she's taken in what I've said.

"Do you want me to get any of your stuff?" I ask quietly.

She shakes her head.

"Glass of water? Any more tea?"

She shakes it again.

"Can I get you anything?"

She shakes her head one more time before she shuffles up my bed, still holding my hand, and lays her head on the pillow. I'm about to pull my hand away, to sleep on the floor, when she pulls me down too, turning around so that her back was to my front. She weaves her fingers in between mine, hugging my arm, and there was no way I was moving now, even if I'd wanted to. Instead, I lay behind her, slipping my other arm gently underneath her so that I could hold her properly, and hold her tightly.

I breathe, just listening to her breathe, knowing she was trying to use the movements of my chest to try and fall asleep. I try to slow my heart rate down enough, but after a few more minutes, she turns around, laying her head on my chest.

"I'm sorry Tess."

I whisper it so quietly I feel like it's drowned out by the noise of the storm around us, but when she squeezes my hand, I know she's heard me.

"Archie, you never had anything you've needed to be sorry for." Her head lifts, her eyes meeting mine, giving me a strong smile despite the tears in her eyes.

"I should have stayed, and been stronger. I should have told you all of this four years ago."

She shuffles closer as squeezes me again.

"I should done so many things better than I did, Tessa."

She sighs before sitting up, propping herself up on her elbow, still holding my hand.

"Archie, grief works in so many different ways, with each person experiencing it in ways only they can understand. I can't and will never blame you for everything you went through, because none of it was your fault. I was grieving and I didn't see how much pain you were in through my own. It's me that should be sorry. I should have been there for you... I should have done more."