Forked Roads Back

34 - ARCHIE

Son,

I'm not going to start this letter with excuses. I've failed you, I've failed you your whole life because you needed me, and I was never there.

I know by now you'll have found out the truth about the first time it happened. Even if I hadn't meant for it to happen... seeing you tumble down those stairs, the noise your head made against that bannister... and knowing IG was because of me? I felt sick.

But I panicked. I saw those police and I panicked, and I don't even know why I did it. Except I do know. I was thinking of what was best for me instead of what was best for you.

Again I don't want to give you any excuses because what I did was wrong. Beyond wrong. You were a such a small kid, and you were relying on me and on your mother to look after you... and neither of us have. Me least of all.

I should have been the sort of dad that was proud of you for all that you've accomplished. Your accomplishments on and off the football field, your artwork, your schoolwork... and the amazing man I know you have become. Both you and your sister are children I truly am so proud of, and I just don't know why I didn't show you.

I know people can say it's all well and good looking back on it now, telling you this when it's too late, but it doesn't mean a damn thing. I know that. I know none of these words will make any kind of difference but I need to get them out anyway.

Every time you looked at me, that look of pure fear in your eyes, I knew I needed to get my act together and change. But I just... didn't. I couldn't.

I was glad when you were taken from me. It sounds ridiculous to say it, but I'm glad you were. It wasn't that I was glad you were gone or no longer my responsibility, it was because I knew you would then be safe. Safe from me. I'm glad because it gave you a life the two of you deserved.

It gave you the chance to become the man I always knew you could be, Archie. I watched you sometimes, when I could... with Tessa, with your friends. I watched you become the man I could never be. I watched you grow into someone I could never be more proud of. You've always been an incredibly loyal young man, loyal to your friends, to your family, protecting them with everything you have, and it's something I really do truly admire in you.

In the time I was gone, I watched you live your life as you were supposed to. It made me realise that I should never have been angry to see you so happy, to see you acting your age with your friends, as every kid has a right to, and I can never tell you how sorry I am for taking that childhood away from you... I should have allowed you to make the mistakes, because every kid makes mistakes... it's a way of life and it's how you learn. I just didn't understand that.

There are no excuses. There are no excuses for the way I treated you, treated your sister, treated your mum... And I know you will never forgive me for what I've done. I'm not about to ask for forgiveness because the only way I could even have a chance at doing that was to bring Matt back... and that's something I can't do.

What happened to Matt fills me with so much guilt and shame, and I know that I will carry it around with me for the rest of my days. I took an innocent boy's life because I couldn't see past my own anger... There is no reason for my behaviour over the years, no explanation. I lost sight of what mattered early on, and I went too far.

Archie, you were never someone I blamed for anything. It was, unfortunately, just wrong place, wrong time; someone I knew I could take any frustrations or anger out on... And I'm truly sorry. So, so sorry.

But I don't want to just keep saying sorry for what I've done in the past. I will always be sorry for that, and now that I've failed in my task as a father, I feel like I have one last thing I can give you.