Forked Roads Back

39 - TESSA

THE SUMMER PASSED BY a lot quicker than I wanted to.

Jamie and I stayed on with Mum for a few more days before heading back to Dad's, but once Jamie started his internship, and I started back at the leisure centre two days a week, the days really did fly by.

Every day seemed to be filled with something.

The two tennis camp days I did, I spent most of my day working with kids age five to twelve, trying to remind them why tennis was so fun, how to move their feet properly, and most importantly, how to hit a great forehand. I left early to set up and got back late after packing everything away, so sometimes Jamie would beat me back. On the days he didn't, he would get back really late, so we were both too exhausted to report back. And before we knew it, the day would be starting all over again.

But the days we had off - the weekends, where we could ignore the impending busy-ness of adult life - were incredible.

We went with Charlotte and Danny to country houses, taking picnics and Pimms, we went to a couple of theme parks  and  then Charlotte and I went shopping more than once, which ended up with both of us being picked up from the station by Jamie, as we were far too drunk to walk home. But on the weekends we allowed ourselves those freedoms, which made the long days in the worth it.

However, the summer really was moving quickly. I hadn't realised how fast it was moving until Dad asked if I wanted to accompany him to see Matt when we got back from Scotland. When he mentioned it would be two years since he died in a couple of weeks the, the eighteenth of August, my stomach dropped.

I started doing the maths, and I worked out my brother hadn't been with me for the last seven-hundred and sixteen days. For seven-hundred and sixteen days I haven't been able to laugh with him, to joke with him, to see him play football. I haven't been able to hug him, to feel his warm arms around me when I'm not feeling well, or I'm crying about something. I haven't been able to feel comfort in his arms, and it hurts. It's been that numb kind of pain you can ignore for the last few months, as it's been so busy I've been able to push it away, but right now, as Jamie and I are half way up Stac Pollaidh, it all hits me.

"Two years," I whisper, my sandwich still half way between the box and my mouth.

Jamie looks up from his own lunch and his gazes focusses on me.

"Tess? What did you say?" He frowns. "Hey, are you okay?"

I wasn't okay.

I haven't been okay since I found out since I saw those blue and red flashing lights outside our door.

My lip starts quivering before I shake my head, sobbing.

It's a matter of seconds before I'm sitting in Jamie's lap, his arms are around me, and he's rocking me from side to side. He doesn't say anything, because he knows there isn't anything he can say, because I've had one of these moments before. He says something wrong and I scream at him, that's how it works, so now, all he has to do is hold me. He just needs to hold me until I've stopped crying however long that takes, because for a moment - for this moment - I can keep my eyes closed and pretend, just for a moment, that everything is okay. That any minute Matt will call me and tell me latest stupid thing he's been up to.

It will be telling me to just put one foot in front of the other and continue on with my life, as if he were right here, and will be every step of the way.

***

"HEY GUYS, HOW WAS your walk?" Sophie asks us as we come in the door.

She looks amazing. At five months pregnant she is only just starting to show, even under the massive woolly jumper she's wearing in the drafty McGregor clan castle. We, however, look like drowned rats. Just after we'd left the shelter of trees - the last stretch towards the car - the heavens had opened and rained on us all the way back.