Forked Roads Back

44 - ARCHIE

AS SOON AS I  turned onto the road from the cabins, the heavens open, hammering on the roof of the car all the way to the church. Thankfully, though, once I get there, it has reduced to just spitting.

When I park up, I sit for a moment, thinking it's strange to think it's my first time here. could have come when I finally came home from the hospital, but I never wanted to as I couldn't drive myself. If I went it meant Tessa or Andrew would go with me, but I just couldn't be around them. The guilt and the shame had been too much. But right now, I wish one of them was here with me. Or at least someone. I'd been grieving on my own for so long, and now I was ready for the support I should have accepted at the start.

I sit for a very long time, but finally, as the weather starts to clear to let a bit of sunshine peek through the clouds, I get out.

Grabbing the stuff from my back seat, I find my legs walking by themselves, guiding me until I reach a newer row of headstones. There are four of them, with the one on the end looking like the newest one, closest to the wall.

Matt.

When I get closer, I notice quite a few things, on top of the flowers.

A shirt has been laid out by the football team, and there is a huge bunch of orange flowers from Chloe, all with messages to say how much he is missed. The last bouquet, the largest one, is from Laura and Mark, and there is a phot of a baby inside the note card. For a moment, I thought it might be Matt, but as I look closer... it's not.

Now that I was remembering, Millie had told me that Laura and Mark had a baby in February, a little girl called Ellie. Inspecting the picture closely, she is just as beautiful as Millie had described, and at what looked like six months, you could see Ellie looks like Tessa already. Green eyes, blonde hair and a smile that would make you want to do anything for her, that look that stares straight to the depths of your soul... I smile, knowing this little bundle no doubt had everyone wrapped around her little finger.

Millie had told me Tessa had seemed a lot happier after Ellie was born, and I knew, more than anything, that Ellie was incredibly lucky to have Tessa for a big sister.

Putting picture back down where I found it, I place my two parcels at the back, out of people's eyeline. I lean the shirts against the headstone, placing the picture directly below it, hoping it wasn't too conspicuous that Tessa will know who it's from - as she's the only one who would. Once it's all in the right place, I sit back, clasping my hands in front of my knees, not caring the grass is wet.

I sigh, not knowing where to start.

"Hey..." I say finally.

It's the first time in a very long where I hadn't known what to say to him. I always told Matt everything, even if he didn't want to hear it, and so far the only time I'd had this much trouble was when I was finally telling him about Tessa and my relationship... He'd taken a couple of weeks to come around, having flipped out majorly, so he really would thump me into next week if he knew how I'd treated her this last year.

"How you doing...?" I ask, feeling stupid saying this all out loud, knowing he couldn't hear me.

I've seen people doing this in films, and I knew what I needed to say... I just had no idea how to actually say it.

"You know, I bet you hate me, right?" I ask, picking at the brown grass around me. "You're probably looking at me thinking what a fucking mess."

He's laughing at me. Definitely laughing at me. But I can hear him saying that he is mad... and that he wants to kick my butt into next week.

"I didn't know what else to do. You were gone, and I had no one else who could help me through it."

My voice breaks on the last word, and before I know it, I was sobbing, head in hands, shoulders shaking.