Forked Roads Back

103 - ARCHIE

AS MILLIE AND I come in through the door of our new home, the exhaustion suddenly hits me.

Yesterday was a tiring day. The ceremony was beautiful, and the party was stupendous, but the rest of it was emotionally exhausting.

To look at Tessa all day in that stunning red dress, to have her on my arm as we walked down the aisle, and to have her so close when we were standing in that cloakroom... God.

I've never been so close to breaking.

But then to hear her say how Jamie had put her back together, hear her say that she loves him... I felt that more than I'd felt Jamie's fists. In fact, I would have preferred them.

And Jamie.

I have no idea if she called him, or if he just turned up anyway, but he was there... and what was worse is that he apologised, thanking me for what I had done for Tessa. I admit, I saw a slither of panic cross her features too when he talked about New York, but given he hadn't murdered me, I figure that meant she hadn't told him about what really happened between us. However, hearing him thank me, and seeing the look on her face as he did so, I knew she had been telling the truth in that cloakroom. I knew she'd made her choice.I told myself I'd believe her, no matter how she said it, when we were in the cloakroom, just the two of us alone. But her expression said it all.

I no longer had her heart, he did. I was just a memory, a part of her past that she had finally been able to let go of.

The fact she is happy is the only comfort for me now. I meant what I said to him, I meant every word, and I hope he realises just how goddamn lucky he is to have that amazing woman in his life. He had to hold on to her, look after her, cherish her, because she is a Phoenix. She's risen from the ashes of a broken life, a life full of so much pain that a mere mortal wouldn't have been able to come back from it. But not Tessa. She is now shining brighter than the sun, and I would endure this, knowing that she finally has that happiness she truly deserves.

"You okay?" I feel a hand on my shoulder and look at my sister.

The look in her eyes makes me one-hundred times worse than I have ever felt. The pity and the sadness in them...

"Fine." It's all I can manage before I get up and walk away from her, up to the makeshift room I have upstairs, collapsing on my bed, curling into a ball as I let the tears come.

***

FOR THE NEXT TWO days, I don't come out.

I don't say or talk to anybody, I simply lie and at stare up at the ceiling. No one comes to check on me because they know I'm processing what's happened. I'm processing this piece of monumental loss, as that horrible hole opens up in my chest once more, as the understanding of losing someone so special finally takes hold.

Whenever I close my eyes, she's there. Her green eyes, her blazing smile, her beautiful, long, flowing blonde hair. I'm never going to be able to see her again. I'm never going to be able to hold her in my arms the same way. I'm never going to be able to see that mood-lifting smile ever again. I'm never going to be able to talk to her and it makes me feel like I'm completely alone again.

That blackness I felt when I got to New York is starting to creep in again. I can feel myself wanting to shut everyone out and run away, just like I had four years ago.

I could do it. I could run. It would be the easier thing to do, just run and never look back, but then I tried that once before, and it didn't work out very well in the long run. The distance didn't help, in fact it made it worse, and I wasn't about to go ten steps backwards. That meant the best thing for me to do now was to just accept what's happened, put my best foot forward and move on.