Rip - Becoming Whole

Intimacy

They were told to stay close, so they could be called when the food was ready. They did but found a little spot at the riverbank further downstream where they could hide from the always vigilant eyes of the adults. After a few minutes of an embarrassing silence sitting side by side, legs dangling into the cold water, they finally started to make out awkwardly. It was Chrissy who took the plunge. Leaning over to him, touching his face with one hand and his side with the other she started to kiss him, and he kissed her back.

He was surprised how much he liked it. He had been worried he mightn't. He didn't know where to put his hands though. So, he left one behind him flat on the grass supporting his body and the other wedged tightly between his thighs. Chrissy seemed to have no problem touching him. She moved her hand towards his hip and gently pulled out his shirt from his trousers and touched his skin under it. He gasped. The feelings that accompanied her touch, frightened and confused him at the same time. He couldn't help his thoughts going back in time where he didn't want them to go, especially not while he was with Chrissy. He was frightened that he couldn't keep the memories at bay as he was not always in full control of them. What scared him even more though, were the strong urges it awoke in him. It made him feel uneasy.

He released his hand from between his thighs and stopped hers, without stopping to kiss her though. She then took his wrist and brought it up to her breast. Cupping his hand with hers she encouraged him to touch and gently squeeze. It made them both shudder in a good way and for a moment they broke the spell with a chuckle. She loosened her own shirt and guided him underneath it. They both had goosebumps all over their bodies as Rip with closed eyes only using his fingertips touched the skin beneath it, exploring her nipples and breasts. She started again to move her hand under his shirt and this time he let her, enjoying her touch, enjoying her soft skin and enjoying how she made him feel, in a moment of unadulterated bliss. After a while she gently pushed him down into a lying position. Leaning over him she continued to kiss him, letting her lips wander to his neck and ears. While one hand gently discovered his torso beneath his shirt, the other cradled his head beneath hers.

All of a sudden however, Rip became scared her fingers could find the scar just below his shoulder in this position and no matter how much he tried he couldn't think of anything else. It distracted him. He tensed up as he felt the need to be ready, just in case he had to move her hand away. Sensing this, she stopped and looked at him.

"Are you okay Rip?" she asked. "Yeah of course", he lied and pulled her back in for a kiss. She left her hands over his shirt this time but moved them down onto his hip and down his thigh and then started to touch him between his legs, slowly moving upwards. He abruptly stopped and sat up. He couldn't do this.

"What's wrong Rip? Did I do something wrong?" she asked. "No. Sorry Chrissy. I just, it's all a bit fast that's all," he was looking for an excuse. "You don't need to do this. I mean, I am not like the other guys who expects girls to put out on their first date," he said, trying to save face with something he thought she would agree with.

"Jesus Rip. I am not doing this because I think I have to. I want to, I like you, you know. I like you a lot. And this is not our first date. I mean we never even had one, but I think we are well past it, don't you?", she sounded very annoyed. "I am so sorry Chrissy. I like you too. Let's try again," he told her, and at first she moved towards him but then hesitated and sat back. "Rip I am not like those guys either. We can do this as slowly as you want. We have all the time in the world," she said.

He felt so ashamed. He was a guy. He was the one who was supposed to push it, she was the one who was supposed to want to hold back. He was supposed to like this, and he did, but he was too afraid of where his miserable brain was going to bring him. He was scared of the memories that it brought up for him, was scared of not being able to shut them off, and the possibility of them taking over. He hadn't gone there for such a long time. On top of that, he was disgusted by his own strong urges of what he wanted to do with Chrissy. He knew that those urges meant he wanted to have sex and rationalised that sex was supposed to be something that was normal, but he didn't feel it was normal, how could it be, he felt disgusted by himself and nauseous. He was confused. He buried his head in his arms and wanted to cry. "I am so sorry," he said. He was so scared that he put her off and could lose her. "Don't be," she said sympathetically.

"Have you done this before?" he quietly asked. "A little," she cautiously admitted. "Huh," he went. This time it was her who apologised, and he who told her not to. "I am kind of glad. At least one of us knows what they are doing," he forced a faint chuckle. "God Rip you're odd sometimes," she grinned. "Don't say that," he said dolefully. "No, that's not what I meant. Odd, in a good way. So many of the guys want the girl to put out on the first date but then act all upset with her because she has done it before. I mean as if every guy you go on a date with is going to be the first you ever kissed. It's simply ridiculous, isn't it?" she asked. 

It was exactly what he had wanted to tell the guys when they were talking about their girlfriends, and how dismissive and vulgar they spoke about girls who said No and girls who said Yes as well. If they only knew what it was like when this was done to you, they would never pressurise them, he thought.

"I've made out a bit a few times but never went the full way Rip, and I never had a real boyfriend before you," she said quietly. And after a while when he did not say something to her in reply, she tried a more light-hearted approach.

"What a pity I can't tell my daddy about this. Mammy would love it. He always warns me that all teenage boys are the same and can't keep it in their pants, but she always says that this is just his experience and that any boyfriends she had before him were all perfectly well behaved and respectful towards her. It drives him absolutely nuts," she giggled and this made him laugh too, but then he said sorry again.

"Rip please, don't. I am sorry, for having made you feel the way the boys make us feel all the time. It's okay to go slow. It's better that way," she said. They laid back, she resting her face on his chest, and he holding her in his arms, quietly watching the few clouds of that day pass by.

"Rip, why did your uncle pull your ear today? That bruise wasn't there last night. Did he catch you climbing back in this morning?" she asked suddenly. He told her almost the whole story, how they were seen by Robert, how he had to promise him not to climb out again during the night or else he would have to bunk with the old man, but left out his run in with Jacob. She laughed at the thought of Robert hearing her call him Romeo. "Let them try keep us apart, 'Romeo'. I never made no promise to nobody not to climb up any trellis," she snorted with laugher and they both had a good laugh. He just loved how brazen and fearless she was sometimes.

"He doesn't hit you though, does he?" she asked him after a bit of a pause when they had stopped laughing again. "No, he doesn't," he reassured her. "Did he ever?" she asked. He hesitated but then told her that he paddled him a few times when he first came to the ranch, but that he hadn't since, not even when they totalled the car, which was by far the worst thing he had ever done. He didn't tell her about the broken window, he was too ashamed about it and was debating with himself if that wasn't worse than the incident with the car. He was grateful to his uncle for not having gone back on his promise and beaten him on either of those occassions. Looking back now he felt he would have deserved it.

"So it's not true then what they say, that your body is full of scars and bruises from the whippings you get from him and that's why you never take your shirt off," she said half jokingly. Ever since she was part of the scene this afternoon where she saw Rip standing obediently with his hands clasped behind his back, she had her doubts about Mr Dutton being nothing but a big old teddy bear, and then there was the fact that Rip never wore short sleeved T-shirts or took his shirt off.

"No, it's not true," he said thoughtfully. "Huh," she went. "There are some scars Chrissy, but it wasn't Mr Dutton who put them there," he said after another pause and with a bitterness in his voice that made Chrissy understand that he didn't want her to know any more. He was glad that he let her in on it a bit. In a strange way it was even more intimate than when they touched each other earlier. He was grateful though she didn't ask any more questions.

They stayed lying down on the riverbank just holding each other tight, content for now to have nothing else to say to each other, until Mr Dutton called them to have some food.

They walked back holding hands and bravely faced the men who all seemed to be subtly amused by their reappearance and tried to hide this in various ways and to different degrees of success. No one teased them though, but he was content that if they had, Chrissy would have been well able to save them both. They ate the fish, the salads and bread rolls, that Bernard had prepared for them and drank some cider, while they listened to the men who were talking among themselves. It felt good having Chrissy sit beside him to talk to, as he realised that he often felt lonely among them.