Rip - Becoming Whole

On Papa's Mountain

Sorry everyone. A very long chapter, possibly too long, but I just didn't know where to split it.

"I thought I told you to stay in your room," Mr Dutton told Rip in a stern but no longer angry tone of voice when he finally reached him. He was somewhat out of breath.

The steep and long climb up the hill had done him good. It had calmed his mind as so often before. 

His sons' standoff had taken him by surprise, they had never ganged up on him like that. In the moment he had just dismissed it as nonsense but now he realised the power they had found, and he was wondering why they had never done this before. Samuel was working with juvenile offenders. He should have known he had it in him and was wondering why he did not. He was almost proud of them.

Rip didn't answer and didn't look at him. Staring at the little farm that he had grown up on in the distance, he quietly asked instead, "Is Paul going to stay?"

"I asked you a question first, Rip," Mr Dutton simply stated, his tone of voice still strict.

"No you didn't," Rip said defiantly. "You made a statement," he added, finally looking up at his uncle in defiance, glaring at him.

Rip was angry, with his uncle, himself and the world.

Samuel had not been that far off. At first, he was a sobbing mess, ready to beg for his uncle's forgiveness one more time. But he didn't stay like that for long. He became angry with himself for having said what he said. Berating himself for being so stupid, for not being able to just play along. He knew he had to get Mr Dutton's consent for the tattoo. It was of course unlikely Regina would give it to him if Mr Dutton wasn't also on board. In actual fact, there was a possibility that it was the other way around and he would need Mr Dutton on his side, to convince her.

And he hated it. He hated being a child in the eyes of the law. He hated his dependence. He hated his neediness, his fear to be send away and losing his uncle's favour and affection. Children are vulnerable, their neediness makes them so. They are at the mercy of grown-ups, their parents. They can't defend themselves and have no control, but he was no child, he told himself and he hated being treated like one.

Rip knew he had hurt his uncle's feelings when he said what he did but wasn't sure if the infraction was bad enough for his uncle to make him pack his bags. But he sure felt it marked the start of the inevitable. He had always felt that someday he would, so he decided it might as well be this day. He might as well have his bags packed for when he'd come to get him. He violently started to throw his stuff into his school bag but then realised that he wasn't even sure what was his to take with him, but even if he assumed, he was allowed to take everything that they had given to him, did he really want to take it with him? Would he want to be reminded of the time he had been here? There was a reason that he hid the items in the cigar box under his mattress. It was too painful to look at the things that reminded him of who he missed and what has been.

By the time he watched his uncle climb up towards him, he had changed his mind again. He knew he wanted to apologise. He wanted his forgiveness but knew he wouldn't get it without recanting, which he wanted to do but also didn't. He knew why he wanted to stay. He knew it from the moment he threw that book into his bag and retrieved the cigar box from under his mattress.

The only reason why he enjoyed himself at the party so much this afternoon, until everything went wrong, was because his uncle was also there. He saw how he looked at him as he sang and played. He was proud of him. No one had ever looked at him like that and Rip felt six feet tall. He'd given him confidence. He would have never gone in without him, and it was sitting quietly beside him, that helped him manage his emotions when he was sad because of what Chrissy had said. He was so relieved when his uncle held him in his arms earlier in front of the tattoo parlour. But he also genuinely hated it and he hated that he had to ask for his uncle's permission on getting the tattoo, and not just the tattoo, everything really, all those things that his uncle was so strict about, the fact that he wasn't allowed off the ranch without his permission and the ridiculous rule that he wasn't allowed to have any shoes in his bedroom overnight, to prevent him from sneaking out down the trellis at night.