Rip - Becoming Whole

Comfort Food

Rip woke up late, well after his alarm clock that he had forgotten to set should have gone off and past their usual breakfast time, but unfortunately still early enough to go to school. There was no sound from Robert's room above, so he imagined that they had purposely let him sleep in and were already outside working. He wasn't sure what to think of it.

His sleep when he had slept had been restful enough. He had gone to bed early, and yet he slept in. There'd been no nightmares, although he could never be certain about that. Robert often told him that he had a rough night and bad dreams when he had no idea. Only occasionally did he wake him, when he felt the terror was too severe or was going on for too long.

Initially, Rip had woken up when Robert had laid him down on the sofa in the living room, after which he had managed to make his own way up, undress himself and collapse into his own bed. Despite having slept in the afternoon a bit, he'd been exhausted. His eyes burning, his throat rough, and nose blocked from all the crying, all he wanted to do was close his eyes and forget about the day. His head had been in a mess.

From the early hours of the morning on however, he kept waking up intermittently, in anxious anticipation of what the morning would bring. He had gone over the things he had confessed to his uncle. Last night he had comforted him and wouldn't hear of it, but having slept on it, would he judge him for the cowardness and selfishness he had shown then? Had he told Robert? His mother was Mr Dutton's niece, and he was just as much related to Nicky as he was to him. 

Had he been unjust in what he said about his mother? He loved her dearly and did not want anyone thinking bad of her. "Sometimes good people do bad things," was one of the only things Bernard had said to him last night in relation to his mother. Although he hardly spoke, it had felt good that the cook had been there, like a buffer between his uncle and him.

Blood is thicker than water, the old man so often liked to point out when he talked about the fact that they were related by above all, blood. Would he be as disgusted with him as he was with himself, when the realisation hit him? Could he forgive him? Mr Dutton had high standards when it came to family, bravery and what it meant to be a man. Did he deserve to be forgiven?

The feeling of guilt had been his companion for so long but never had he allowed himself to fully rationalise it with words in his head. Last night was as if a lightbulb had suddenly gone on as he shared the details of the memory. Suddenly, it all came together, and he needed to share it there and then, spew it out without a filter or second thought wasted on the consequences. He wanted to unburden himself, but it changed nothing. He still felt just as responsible for their deaths as before, only now others would too. The fact that he had confessed his abhorrent behaviour to his uncle made him cringe. Had he been able to sneak out unseen or maybe if he had been brave enough to do so, he would have left never to return.

He noticed his empty belly and remembered that he had been allowed to mis a meal last night and possibly this morning too. It felt appropriate. Maybe now they would start treating him more like he deserved. Fearful because of the marked absence of his uncle and Robert waking him, he stayed in bed a little longer but eventually decided he couldn't hide forever and gave in. He got up and got himself ready for school.

There was no sign of them downstairs or outside, and for a minute or two he was wondering if he had got the time wrong but when he saw the state of the kitchen, the empty whiskey bottles and glasses on the ground, the dirty dishes in the sink, he started to recognise what had happened. Normally Bernard would have the kitchen spotless and would be gone by the time they had finished their dinner, leaving only the plates and serving bowls for the family to clean themselves. Knowing he had to tread carefully today he first fed their horses and then got started on cleaning up the remains from last night's dinner and the mess the four men had left behind in the kitchen.