Rip - Becoming Whole

"You're Never Too Old For That!"

"Time In? Huh?" Rip asked, having taken out his headphones and glancing at his uncle who several hours later joined him with a spade digging alongside him. 

"You bet you!" Mr Dutton replied with a weak smile. 

"Am I not a bit old for that?" he asked him sullenly. 

"You're never too old for that!" his uncle replied. He had to think of how he said this to Jamie, and what he did to him, when only a few years back, already an adult, he came to him to ask for his forgiveness.

The boy was surprised that his anger towards his uncle had subsided and that he even managed to glance at him. Maybe it was the time that had elapsed or maybe it was just different with his uncle, but he didn't seem to mind as much about him knowing. It didn't seem to repulse him in the same manner as it had done with Robert earlier. He was wondering though if every time he had looked at him, he had thought of it. He felt like that in school or when they walked through town. He felt that every time people looked at him, they thought of his murdering father also and Rip hitting him with the skillet. They never said anything directly to him, but he knew he was the talk of the town. He could see their curiosity and sick fascination with him in their eyes. He never felt like that with Chrissy and sometimes wondered if she was the only person in this valley who did not know.

"Rip. We've done enough for today. Come on, we are going for a swim before dinner," the old man told him after a while working alongside him. He had to repeat himself as Rip did not hear him the first time because of the loud music he was listening to. The boy declined and shook his head. It wasn't that he didn't want to go for a swim with his uncle but the thought of bumping into Jacob or even worse Robert down there, worried him. "That's not how time-in works Rip, and you know it. Come on, son. Don't give me any trouble now, you know you'd lose", his uncle said coolly.

Rip considered his options but had to concede he had none. He could put up a fuzz, but he was too exhausted, and his uncle was just too strong for him anyway. He never hesitated to use his physical strength to his advantage. He could outrun him possibly, but the ranch was full of his uncle's loyal collaborators and he knew from experience that sooner or later he would run into someone who would return him into his strong hands.

"You know Papa, someday I will be stronger than you, and you won't be able to do this to me anymore," Rip replied defiantly. 

"I can't wait," his uncle replied in a jokingly sarcastic tone and with a smile that seemed to suggest he thought this to be an entirely foolish notion. Truth be told Rip was wondering himself if he would ever be as strong as the man, or any of the men in this family. He was strong for his age only due to hard work. When he stood in front of a mirror, he saw a weakling, a skinny little boy, tall enough for his age but a weakling all the same, and that was a good thing. He was often wondering what his adult self would look like and prayed he would not look anything like his father.

"What are you listening to?" his uncle asked him as they walked down to the river. Rip gave him one of the pods to put into his ear. "Oh wow, no wonder you were assaulting the soil the way you were", his uncle chuckled. He gave it back to Rip who put both the pods into its little case.

"Remember your first summer here, the way we went swimming most days? I think we should get back to that, what you think?" his uncle suggested. 

"Huh," Rip offered instead of a reply. 

"You don't agree?" his uncle asked. 

"No, I actually think it's a good idea. It's just I thought you only did that to get me to cool down," Rip said. 

"Yeah," his uncle laughed, "you were a bit of a loose cannon in those days, weren't you?" The old man smiled kindly and put his hand on the back of Rip's neck giving him a gentle squeeze that put a smile on Rip's face that didn't last though. 

"I'm not that bad anymore. I mean l lost it today and the other day when I broke the window, but it hasn't happened for ages. I am not planning to go back there, you know," Rip said thoughtfully. 

"I know son, things have been a bit rough for you lately, but they'll settle down again you'll see," his uncle advised.

"Rip I was wondering..." the old man started. "The answer is still No," Rip cut him short. 

"Do not interrupt me like this again. You don't even know what I was going to ask," his uncle scolded him sternly. 

"Yeah, I do. You want me to do therapy," Rip snapped back. He knew his uncle. 

"Fine, but you are still not allowed to interrupt me when I am speaking to you and you know that," the old man insisted. 

"Sorry," the boy replied with an annoyed tone. He was tired and found it difficult to hide his emotions. "But I am not going. Nothing good will come of it. I don't want to fucking talk about what happened to some random stranger," he added. 

"Rip, a therapist is not a random stranger. They are qualified and trained. I could get you the best there is. I'd spare no expense," his uncle tried to persuade him.

"They are all the fucking same. They get you to talk about all the gory details so they can get off on them, no thanks. I'm not going and you can't fucking make me," Rip argued raising his voice.

"Watch your mouth, Rip. Just because I said I won't chastise you physically anymore doesn't mean I let you get away with talking to me like that," his uncle spat. 

"Yeah, whatever, what are going to do about it. More time-in. Is there another field you need fucking digging up," Rip challenged his uncle, being genuinely intrigued what his uncle would actually do. He heard his uncle's breathing beside him and was sure he would go back on his word to Samuel. He was going to feel his uncle's vicious grip on his ear any minute now until he would apologise.

"Rip, I appreciate you are feeling strong about this and I accept I can't make you, but I will not tolerate you talking to me like this. Find another way to say the same thing without being disrespectful to me. I deserve better from you," the old man gave him an answer that surprised both of them.

"Sorry, Papa," Rip replied lowering his head in shame after a few moments of being stared at in silence. "Look Rip, it is up to you. I can't force you, but I think you have the wrong idea about it. You wouldn't have to talk about the past if you don't want to. You could focus on the now. Anger management for example but it doesn't have to be that either. It would be you who'd set the agenda, not the therapist and not I. And it's confidential too, they wouldn't tell me what you'd be talking about," Mr Dutton tried to convince him.

"That's not my experience. The therapist in the home told McCluskey everything," Rip answered.

"Well, we find one with more integrity so. Just think about it, Rip," Mr Dutton replied. 

"There's nothing to think about, I am not going," Rip said annoyed with his uncle for not letting this go this time.

"I'd really like you to give it a try, son," Mr Dutton insisted. 

"I go when you go!" Rip laughed. 

"What is it with this family, that you all want me to go to therapy all of a sudden? Are you serious, you'd go if I'd go, but not for yourself?" the old man asked. 

 "Of course," the boy shrugged his shoulders and grinned in the knowledge that the old man would never go to see a shrink.

"Right then. I'll make an appointment," Mr Dutton said in all seriousness. 

"No, you won't," Rip said knowing his uncle was bluffing. 

"I will, and the two of us have a deal," Mr Dutton spat into the palm of his right hand and held it out for Rip to shake on it. He was grinning smugly.

"No, uhh, that's gross. I won't shake on that. Anyway, it was a joke," Rip said. He suddenly was no longer sure if his uncle was bluffing or not.

"I have no sense of humour. You should know that by now, so I take you by your word," Mr Dutton said.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. A man's word is the measure of his worth. Blah blah blah," Rip said.

His uncle raised his eyebrows in disapproval. "Ok, I'll think about it," Rip conceded.