Rip - Becoming Whole

The Dragon, the Wolves and the Vulture

Mr Dutton had told the therapist of Rip's plans to get himself a tattoo to cover up his scars. As a result, she suggested for him to move into a more creative manner of working with her. She proposed it might help him in the process of coming up with a suitable design. He was annoyed at his uncle for talking about him behind his back, but he liked the idea.

She was a family therapist who was used to working with children of all ages, so her office had always been full of art supplies, toys and the like. She had always encouraged him to use them, but up until now Rip had never shown any interest in any of it. He wanted to be treated like an adult, and not a child, he had told her and ignored her insistence that the equipment could be used by anyone, of any age.

Initially Rip was hesitant. He felt awkward, embarrassed even and didn't know where to start. "If you were a colour, what colour would you be?" the therapist asked him, in an attempt to help him out, and Rip promptly laughed at her. "I'm not gay, you know" he told her with a grin, but then was embarrassed and slightly worried he might have offended her when he saw she was not laughing with him, even though she rarely did anyway. He didn't mean it like that, he didn't mind people being gay, his cousin was gay, their cook was gay, he told her, back paddling. He cringed at the statement he had made, like those people who hide their casual racism behind statements like "I'm not racist, a friend of mine is black." It was different for him though.

"I don't see it as an insult. I just don't like being mistaken for someone who is gay," he told her not really advancing his situation. He didn't really want to talk about what was on his mind.

"You don't like the idea of someone thinking you could be gay?" she reflected in her questioning manner.

"No, I mean, yes, I mean who does if you are not? I mean it's nothing bad, that's not what I am saying but it puts a huge target on your back, doesn't it?" he asked. It was a rhetorical question.

"You think being gay puts you at risk of getting hurt," she reflected what he had told her, making him listen to his own nonsense. He had to think of Chrissy who had educated him in those things. "They tell girls what they should or shouldn't wear. What they should or shouldn't do as to not get targeted, why don't they just tell men to stop sexually harassing women no matter what, problem solved!" she had told him.

Logically he agreed, 'being gay, being a woman, being a child doesn't put you at risk, no more than anyone else who is not able to defend themselves against an attacker. To happen to be in the company of someone like Niall, that's what puts you at risk. Men like Niall put you at risk,' he would have liked to tell her but couldn't.

"Huh," he went instead.

They sat in silence for a while, there was nothing that he was prepared to say out loud. He couldn't talk to her about this. Not yet anyway, knowing and truly believing something were two entirely different things sometimes.

Rip had always wondered if there was something about him that had made Niall do what he did. From the moment their father's friend had moved onto their farm, he had shown an interest in Rip. One that Rip enjoyed in fact. He didn't mind calling him 'Uncle Niall', when he suggested it. Starved of his father's affection who more or less ignored him, unless he was angry over something and in need of a punchbag, Rip was thrilled when Niall spent a bit of time with him, showed him card tricks and was mucking about with him playfully. He liked having 'an uncle' or something akin to a 'big brother' around. Looking back Rip was glad that he had always tried to keep Nicky away from him but was embarrassed that this was because he wanted Niall to himself rather than feeling protective of his little brother.

Rip never liked the way Niall talked about people that pissed him off, he felt uneasy about the stories he bragged about and like his father, Niall was just too enthusiastic about his work in the slaughterhouse, but other than that he did like the man. He seemed fun to be with. He didn't see him as a threat.