The Girl With the Cross

Chapter 6: Sarah

  I can't keep my mind off of him for more than a few minutes at a time, no matter how hard I try. When I try to change subjects in my mind, it always wanders back to Tyler. He's all I can think about. Everything I say or do or think always finds its way back to him. I guess this is what a crush is.
  I'm not sure I like it.
  He keeps asking me to hang out with him, but I just met him a few days ago and I know that my father wouldn't approve of a bad boy. He wouldn't approve of a boy at all really other than Peter from church if I'm being honest with myself. He's always liked me more than I liked him, and it makes me feel guilty because he really is a nice guy that I just don't have interest in that way. I don't even know why I'm crushing on a boy like Tyler, but there's just something about him I can't quite explain. Maybe it's his blonde hair that's always somehow flawless, or his electric blue eyes that remind me of the lakes from my childhood, the way he looks at me with that half-grinned smile, his personality, or maybe all of the above . . . snap out of it, I scold myself. I continue to read the book I started yesterday while I wiggle deeper into my fluffy sofa.

  And I fell into him like a whirlpool. His touch was like a burst of light, zipping through my veins; his voice like the whispers of angels.
  I don't like this book.
  I slam it shut and drop it on the floor. No more: no more love, no more cute boys, I'm done. 
  And just when I think I'm finally going to get him out of my mind, just starting to maybe move past it all, I hear a knock on the door.

  I sprint to the door but look through the small peephole first: sure enough, it's Tyler James. I decide not to open the door, but despite my decision, my hand somehow moves onto the handle, and the front door is open -- he looks amazing as always.
  "Sarah, I want to talk to you. Can we go to the park down the street for just a minute?" He asks, desperately. Tyler James? Desperate? I've only been in his neighborhood for two days and I know for a fact that Tyler James does not get desperate for anyone or anything. In fact, people get desperate for him. And I am his next victim.
  "I don't know . . ." I say, thinking about my dad, biting at my lip.
"Just for a little bit? Please?" He asks, eyes sparkling. I can't do it. I'm too weak.
"Okay, but just for a little bit." I say. His eyes light up, and I feel relief in my heart, but also something else -- Guilt.

  When we reach the park, we finally start to talk, and I'm happy for it.
  "So Sarah, how was your Saturday?" He asks, moving in closer to me. I move slightly further from him, not at all ready to be touched. Hopefully not ever.
  "My day was great. I hung out with Daniella a little bit, I'm excited to start at school." I say.
  "Oh you're going to love our school. There's many people to choose from there. But if you ever need any help finding your class or opening your locker or--"
  "Save it, my goodness Tyler please save it for someone else. I know what you're trying to do but I can't date and I really just want to be friends. I don't want to date bad boys that will kiss me and dump me all in the same minute. Please don't make me your next victim." I say, fear trying to creep up my throat.
  "No no no -- you don't understand. I spend so much time thinking about you it's not even funny Sarah." He says, seriousness in his voice, "I know I must be annoying right now, but I really do care for you. More than any other girl I ever have and I only met you yesterday morning. Please don't ask me why, because I have no idea." He says, more gentle now.
  "I don't know what I'm supposed to say." I say, softly.
  "You don't need to say anything." He says, softly. I can't help but fall for him just a little more.
  "I like you, Sarah." He says, so gentle . . .
  "But you barely even know me." I say, hardly over a whisper now. I feel a sharp pain in my heart. Guilt and shame and . . . pride?
  "And why do you think we're here, at a park, in the darkness of the sky together?" He asks, softly. I smile a little and he slowly comes to embrace me. My mind clicks to high alert and screams, no! Bad! Dad says no!!! But then his warmth feels so amazing against my cold, nervous, frigid body. I should've brought a better sweater, I think. I pull away, thinking of my dad.
  "Alright, so let's get to know each other better. As friends." I say. trying to recover. He nods, ignoring the fact that I pulled away from him.
  "Well, I love skateboarding --one of my hobbies-- and I like hanging out with my boys, I like the color blue--"
  "Oh, come on. I want more interesting stuff. Like your family, your church . . ." He tenses up.
  "Well, I don't go to church and . . . and I don't really have parents." He says, simply, head down. I give him a look of confusion.
  He suddenly seems really upset.
  "Are you okay?" I ask, as gently as I can.
  "I'll tell you some other time." He makes up his mind and begins to trail off. I wonder what he was trying to tell me. I begin to speak again.
  "Okay, but just just- just please don't try to make me fall for you again. My parents don't want me to date, and I'll really only date a Christian. I'm sorry, goodnight." And I walk home without another word.
  He doesn't stop me.