The Girl With the Cross

Chapter 19: Tyler

  It's weird how when you pay enough attention, things actually seem to make sense sometimes. A few Sundays ago, I wasn't listening at all. I sat down when they sang, I only did communion because I skipped breakfast and I wanted to see if it was wine or grape juice, and with the moment of prayer thing, I just sat there, staring at everyone awkwardly. Last Sunday though . . . last Sunday was different, somehow. I stood up and sang. I haven't sung in years-- or at least really sang. I did some singing with JC and some other friends for fun, joking around, but never in church, never like that. It felt so powerful and I don't know how. I felt something weird that Sunday. Something stirring in my heart. The pastor said toward the end that in the time of crucifiction, Christians gladly died for Jesus. They had no second thoughts, no guessing. They just completly trusted that God would take them into heaven. It's crazy that people would do that. I would never die for a god I don't know even exists. When I heard about that I thought that some people are just wrong in the head, and Christians must be. Except Sarah is incredibly smart; she's always participating in class, always being kind to everyone--so maybe there is some truth in her not-so-silly belief. Maybe.
  I walk into the house quietly after a long bike ride, and all I hear while walking up the stairs to my room is the familiar creaking. I still haven't told my dad that I've been going to church because to be honest, he's been too drunk to talk to, and even if he wasn't, what would he say about it? That night he took my bible and threw in the fire pit . . . the flashback sends chills down my back. If I ever told him I was going to believe again, to give it another try, what would he say? What would he do? This is why I have to keep it secret-- at least until I'm absolutely sure that I'm going to believe in this whole thing. I honestly don't even know why I'm still thinking about all of this after almost a week from last Sunday if I wasn't that interested, and it keeps bugging me.
  JC and I haven't been good friends lately because he isn't a believer, so I just stay at home in my room most of the time, eating leftovers from nights with Sarah and playing video games, but instead of playing Call of Duty all night, I end my Sunday with a bible reading. I looked up "Why to convert back to Christianity, and how?" on the internet and was reading things online until I fell asleep around 11.  

  Tomorrow is Saturday-- another date day with Sarah-- and I know exactly where I want to take her. I need to go to the place I haven't been to since it all happened when I was twelve--the place where memories will be forced back into me like tear gas-- the place where my mother ate just before she died.