Baby, Baby, Baby

Six

Amanda Pov

It was early morning, and I was the only one awake, (though that's nothing new here), it was like 3 O'clock in the morning here, and I was feeling well off, I had just brushed it off as me feeling over tired, (because that wasn't out of the ordinary for me here), but it turned out to not be the case, (yeah it turns out that I was totally worried about my mortality and I couldn't tell anyone about it because that would turn into changing it, and that fucks with everyone's future).

So it caught me off guard when my chest felt like it tightened, (I hadn't had a panic attack in a few years and it fucking scared me), but I knew what set it off, (which was a bonus as I didn't normally know), it was the prophecy of me dying and hiding it from Danny, which felt so fucking wrong, but I knew that he would want to try and change the future, (and that is a whole can of worms that I would like to keep under wraps for our safety and sanity).

I was trying to snap myself out of it by naming things in the room, (look, it's not conventional but it works for some), or stating the colours I could see, (as that had worked for me before here), but this just seemed to make me more anxious because it wasn't working properly, (though that was because I couldn't solve my problem here).

At least Sammy didn't witness this, that could come off as selfish on my part, (though maybe I'm over thinking it a little, who knows though), but it was because I didn't want to scar her, (as I would not have been able to explain what was happening to her and it's not fair to try and have her handle that kind of baggage at 5 years old here).

It felt like hours before I could breathe again, (feeling that and the facts are 2 very different things here), but realistically it was probably like 20 minutes, (which is not fun, but what can ya do?), so I looked in the bathroom mirror to see if I looked like I had cried or not, (that's happened to me before), and that's when I saw that a blood vessel burst in my eye, (which sounds worse than it is, I promise ya).

Just as I saw that I had a burst blood vessel, the bedroom door opened, and I knew that it was our room rather than Sammy's room because our door is a heavier door, which meant that Danny was awake, (and was going to be concerned when he saw me).

"What happened?"
"Nothing happened Babe"
"You have a burst blood vessel in your eye"
"So I fell"
"That's not nothing Mandy"
"It's nothing compared to a concussion"
"Mandy that's not the-"
"What?, a burst blood vessel isn't that bad, it usually fixes itself without help"
"That's not making me feel any better Babe"
"I'm fine, I promise"

I mean I totally wasn't fine but I couldn't exactly tell him that I had just finished a panic attack that was part of an existential crisis about my own mortality because that would've opened the can of worms that was my Aunt Dotty's prediction for me, and I didn't want everything to go tits up, ya know.

"At least come back to bed with me"
"Why?, are you getting lonely?"
"No, I'm worried about you and I wouldn't sleep if I just went to bed"
"Well we can't both of us sleep deprived, (kisses), let's go back to bed then"
"Are you just agreeing to go back to bed so that I don't ask questions?"
"No"

Yes, yes I was, but I couldn't tell him why I had a fucking burst blood vessel in my eye, as that was a whole tray of canned worms that I couldn't deal with at the time, (honestly I probably won't ever deal with it while I'm alive but that's a problem that I can't handle right now), I felt awful that Danny was worried about my eye, (especially when it was from a panic attack), but telling him would fuck things up and I'm a little too selfish to take that risk.

So I went back to bed and Danny was asleep in literal minutes, (which was quite typical of him if I'm being completely honest with you here), could I have just gotten back out of bed again and Danny would be none the wiser?, yes, but that's not the point, I would know that I got back out of bed again afterwards, (I know it doesn't really make sense here, but I don't always make sense, so deal with it).