Baby, Baby, Baby

Seven

Amanda Pov

I went to visit Toby while Sammy was at school, I was trying not to freak out too much and pretend it was a normal visit, but it wasn't working and I didn't know how to fix that, (because emotions were never my strong suit and Toby knew how to take the edge off it at least).

Got into Toby's house and I have never been so glad to see him, (he is my Dad, ok, fucking sue me), I feel like he knew something was up as I usually hated springing up on him when I was going to visit, (this was more to do with both of our busy schedules than anything else but that's not a conversation for today).

"Hey- Darling what's up?"
"I need to tell you something"
"I'm not going to be mad at you Kiddo"
"No I know that, it's just going to be a lot to take in though"
"Now I'm a bit worried, do I need to kill anyone?"
"No no, (sighs), I went to see my Aunt Dotty"

Toby looked a bit confused as to why I went, (though you would be too in his shoes), so instead of being like 'why are you confused?', I let him think it out a bit and that seemed to help him, (maybe?), though I could have been just wishfully thinking that for my own benefit here, though I'm no expert on emotions and shit.

"Why?"
"Sammy was having the same nightmare about me dying every night, so I went to her as she'd know what that meant and what to do"
"You're not wrong about that Clara, but-"
"I'm going to die when Sammy's 7"
"Shit!, Darling, are you ok?"
"I'm fine"
"Does Danny know?"
"No!, he can not know about this right now"

Toby went from sad to really fucking concerned about me, (though I don't blame him here), I guess that Toby didn't know that I have hidden some stuff from Danny before, (yes, that's bad, but it's for his own safety here Darling).

"So what did you tell him about Sammy's nightmare?"
"That it was about separation anxiety, which isn't lying, because she does have separation anxiety, but it's not the whole truth either"
"What happens when he finds out?"
"I'll probably be dead, and if not then we'll just deal with that when it happens"
"You can't just not deal with it Darling-"
"I know that, but Danny would want to try and change things and we all know that just makes it worse"
"I know that you wouldn't keep things underwraps unless you absolutely had to, but I really have a bad feeling about it Kiddo"
"I know it's shit, but the last thing we need is changing everything and making it worse"

I felt fucking awful for bombarding Toby with this fucking shit, but I would've exploded if I didn't tell him, (and he's my Dad, so I get to bring him into shit under parent rights), and me exploding was just not an option that I could've afforded right then.

"If it wasn't for the fact that you don't drink anymore, I'd offer a vodka orange right now"
"(Snorts), I might actually take you up on that anyway"
"Fucking hell, you really are worrying about it a lot Kiddo"
"Yeah well while Danny doesn't know what's going on, he does know something's up, he saw me at the end of a panic attack last night"
"Clara you can't keep this to yourself"
"I can't tell Danny either, he'll think I'm crazy and if he believes me, he'll want to try changing the future but that could turn out worse for Sammy and, (failed attempt at a deep breath), I can't take that risk Dad"

I then started to sob my eyes out, I know that I needed to get out all of the things that I was feeling about dying, but I still feel awful about bombarding Toby with my shit here, even though he never told me that I was bombarding him.

"Hey hey, I got you Darling, I got you"

Toby held me like he did when I was 5 and that just made me cry harder, as it was safe from everything like it was back then, which I felt silly for afterwards as I wasn't unsafe like I was as a child.

"Toby do you remember when we first met?"
"I do, but where is this coming from Darling?"
"You holding me like this while I was sobbing kind of reminds me of when we were younger"
"5 year old Clara was adorable-"
"Yeah well Sammy had to get it from somewhere, though I am thankful that we were able to bounce around the same foster homes"
"The one in Cardiff was the worst"
"It wasn't all bad there, Dalia was fucking hilarious"
"Her father was THE Jack Addams of the Addams mafia"
"So she's a ginger with an dead Irish Dad like me"
"No wonder you two got on like a house on fire"