Baby, Baby, Baby

Sixteen

Amanda Pov

I had to tell Toby before I told Danny, as I didn't want to be so emotional that I couldn't tell Danny why I wasn't doing treatment, (plus Toby's not going to try and change my mind on this), so I needed the emotional retelling of my cancer out the way before Danny was told, (which sounds awful and downright cruel on my end, but I also knew what he was like when emotions were high).

Anyway I got to Toby's house and I stepped inside, (as ya do I guess), Toby saw me and knew that something was wrong, but he didn't know what, (because he's not psychic, he's just my Dad), the plan wasn't to bombard Toby with this piece of information as soon as I saw him, I was going to wait until we had tea so that we at least had some sort of caffeine to help, but the plan went out the fucking window as soon as Toby asked if I was ok, because I wasn't ok at all.

"You ok Kiddo?"
"No, I'm not ok"
"What happened?"
"I have brain cancer"

Toby immediately hugged me, and I started to cry again, which I did feel awful about, as he thought that we were just having a cuppa and catch up, when in reality I was falling apart, after I had my cry, well Toby made me a cuppa, as I needed it here, (finding out that you have brain cancer will do that to ya).

"Here you go kiddo"
"Thank you"
"You seemed like you needed it, have you told Danny?"
"He knows that I went to get scanned, but no, I haven't told him yet, I don't know how to tell him"
"Tell him how bad it actually is and why you're not doing treatment, because I assume that's why you haven't told him"
"How did you know?"
"Darling, you wouldn't be here asking for my advice if that wasn't the case"
"That's true"
"I know it is, he might be mad at first but he'll come round"

It didn't stop that pit in my stomach, but it eased it a little bit, which was a bit more than I had been able to soothe myself, so Toby deserves all the brownie points that you can give him here Babes, (and ironically I'm not joking about that here).

"How do you always know the right thing to say?"
"I don't, I just say shit and then hope for the best outcome here"
"Of course, that's the Higgins way, ain't it Daddyo"
"Oi you little shit, it's about what you need to hear, not about what you wanna hear"
"(Snorts) Yeah well you're not fooling me with that wise man provado you've got going on"
"You don't have to be convinced, it just has to work here, which it does"
"Well I'm glad for your sake that it works for ya here Dad"

We sat with our cuppas in silence for a while, I guess it was to process the feelings of my diagnosis, but don't quote me on it though, as my memory of this is a little bit hazy, (ok the diagnosis was fucking life changing and not in a good way here), I also don't like dwelling on things too often.

I got up to actually go home, (as I really did need to get home), as I gained enough composure to tell Danny that I had brain cancer without having a panic attack, not that it was going to be any easier for me to tell him, but at least there wouldn't be me freaking out on top of that, (I still wanted to scream my lungs out until I couldn't breathe but there wasn't much else that I could've done to make this easier to tell Danny).

"I'm going to go home now"
"Are you sure that you should be driving?"
"How else am I supposed to get home without you walking home in the dark?"
"I'm a big boy"
"I know, but I can drive myself home"
"What happens if you pass out?"
"Then I clearly crash and die, and I'm ok with that"
"I'm not ok with that Kiddo"
"(Sighs), I know that Toby, but there's not much else that I can do about it right now"
"I know Darling"
"I love you Daddyo"
"I love you too Darling"

I got into my car, and I didn't drive away for a good 5 minutes, trying to brace myself for what was to come, as I knew that it wasn't going to be an easy conversation to have with Danny, but I couldn't hide this from him, I just hoped that there wouldn't be this massive argument when I told him this, but we both know that's probably inevitable here.