Baby, Baby, Baby

Eighteen

Amanda Pov

It was Sammy's 7th birthday, the last birthday that I was going to be alive for, and I didn't know how I was supposed to feel about it other than dread, but I didn't want that to destroy her birthday, (especially because she was more likely to actually remember this one), not that I could ever admit that to anyone as that would mean admitting to being scared of my own mortality and I didn't like feeling like coward in that sense, (plus I didn't want another argument to start between Danny and I about me dying here as that was the last thing I wanted, especially on Sammy's birthday).

Even though I really tried not to be sad, (as I would've given the whole fucking show away if I showed that I was sad), Danny knew something was up, because he can read me like an open fucking book, though it wasn't always helpful as it just made me feel worse here, (plus the whole keeping the death prediction thing from Danny for his own safety here).

"You doing ok Babe?"
"No, I'm not, but I don't want to ruin her birthday"
"You won't ruin her birthday, we'll just pop The Little Mermaid on-"
"Are you actually going to watch it or are ya gonna fuck off and do some cars like you normally do?"
"I'll actually watch it"
"Ok, you're gonna tell Sammy though, because she wouldn't believe me if I told her that you're actually watching it too"
"Ok then"

So Danny went and got Sammy, and she was happy as Larry with us watching The Little Mermaid, (as we all knew that it was her favourite movie like ever), she was doubtful of Danny actually staying and watching it, but she was happy and that was the most important thing right then, (and maybe that sounds selfish on my end but she really does deserve the world and I wasn't going to be alive to give it to her here).

"Daddy, are you actually going watch it with us?"
"Yes Baby, I am"
"Are you sure?"
"Why don't you think I'm sure about it Baby"
"Because you usually fix cars in the garage when Momma and I watch it Daddy"
"That does seem like me, I won't lie, but I will watch it"
"Ok Daddy"

So we all watched The Little Mermaid, and maybe it was delusion on my part, (I wouldn't be all that surprised if that was what happened here), but it felt more magical watching it as our little family of 3, I don't have any words or explanations as to why that even was, (as that involved me being in touch with my feelings and that I ain't Babes), I can just tell you that it did feel different to me here, (I feel so stupid for feeling like it was magical but there's no other way to describe it to you).

It was the end of the movie, and Sammy was asleep on me, (though that wasn't all that unusual), Danny turned the tv off and sat back down, he wrapped his arm around me and no matter how many times he did it, it always made my heart flutter, (I know that it might sound weird to you, but it's the truth).

"You feeling ok Babe?"
"I feel a bit tired, but other than that I physically feel fine"
"Did you actually sleep last night?"
"Yeah I slept last night, even with you bloody snoring in my ear"
"I don't snore"
"(Snorts), Sammy would beg to differ"
"Yeah well I can't help it"
"I know, (kiss), I still think that you should get that checked out Babe"
"It's probably just how I sleep"
"I hope so for your own sake here"

I swear on my dead body that Danny's snoring wasn't normal fucking snoring here, but no matter how much I told him that it wasn't fucking normal, he doesn't bloody listen to me about it, (which is such a man move Babes), honestly I wouldn't be surprised if it bloody kills him someday, (especially because he actively avoids medical issues with a 10ft barge poll).

Anyway, I was dead tired, (pun not intended), and if I'm being honest with you here, (which I try to be), while the brain cancer definitely didn't help with me feeling so drained, I genuinely think that I was just so done with dealing with what life had dealt me at this point, admitting that much to Danny wasn't something that I thought that I could've done at this point, ya know.

"You need any pain meds Babe?"
"No no, pain's a bit dull compared to it's normal sharpness"
"Ok Babe"

I knew that he didn't fully believe me, but the pain really wasn't as bad as it normally was.