Marvel x reader oneshots

Avengers Textposts| Random

Warnings: Swearing

Type: Fluff, slight angst if you squint really hard

Word Count: 447

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Peter: Onion rings are just vegetable donuts

Tony, used to Peter: Sure they are, kid

Peter: Your stomach thinks all potatoes are mashed

Tony:

Peter, oblivious: Lobsters are mermaids to scorpions

Tony: *crying* Peter, please stop

Steve, fascinated: No, continue, please

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Bucky: I didn't kill your father

T'Challa: Then why did you run?

Bucky: "Then why did you run"? Honestly, what kind of question was that? What else are you going to do when people are shooting at you, trying to KILL you, and then some guy in a cat costume with claws starts attacking you?

T'Challa:

Bucky: Listen, I was just trying to buy some PLUMS

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Peter: *points to Drax and Mantis* Uh, what exactly is it that they do?

Mantis: Kick names, take ass

Tony: *already accepting the death of half the universe*

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Loki: *pretends he's dead*

Groot: I am Groot?

Groot: *tearing up* I... am... Groot!?!

Loki: *opens an eye to find Groot crying*

Loki: *hugs Groot* oh you adorable creature

Thor: bitch you never did that when i cried

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Loki: *brings Thanos' corpse to the Avengers*

Everyone: Holy shit, how did you do it?

Loki: I turned myself into an Infinity Stone, because I know he loves Infinity Stones, so he went to pick it up to admire it

Loki: And then I transformed back into myself and I was like "mblergh it's me!" and then I stabbed him

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Steve: We don't download films illegally. Because we are honest and hardworking people

Bucky: And we don't know how

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Sam: If I tape knives to the edge of the shield, it would be 100% more efficient

Sharon: Sam, no

Bucky: Yeah, she's right. Eventually the knives would fall off. You need something more permanent.

Sharon: That's not what I meant-

Bucky: Sharpen the edges, execute villains immediately, they'll learn to fear Captain America. Crime rates will drop, I guarantee it.

Sam & Sharon: What the fu-

Peter: Like a giant pizza cutter? Murder frisbee?

Bucky, gesturing to Peter: See? He understands.

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*Mid battle*

Steve: How we looking?

Clint: Sexy, but not like we're trying too hard.

Natasha: Like, sure we're trying, but it's almost effortless.

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Ultron: How could you possibly hope to stop me?

Wade: *appears from nowhere* WHO THE FUCK GAVE SIRI A BODY?!

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Steve, dying: Peter, c-come h-here.

Peter P: Yes Mr. Rodgers America sir?

Steve: d-don't...let...Thanos...w-win

Peter: I don't think I understand?

Steve: Y-yeet that mf g-gauntlet... and g-get that #1 v-victory royale...

Peter: Omg I won't let you down sir

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Thanos: I finally restored everything and brought balance to the universe. There is not a single person who can stand in my-

[ground starts shaking, an army of undead zombies come barreling in, "Ride of the Valkyries" is heard in the distance, Fenris Wolf is seen carrying Hela on his back]

Hela: *lights a cigarette* Alright, little brother, who was it that hurt you?

Loki: *peeks out from behind Hela's cape and points at Thanos*

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A/n:

it's 2am....

Love you,

-Aliece