space cadet | lil peep

6| "i dont feel like myself"

jj

gus took my bags from me and we went to his room. "i'll get my mom to throw these clothes in the dryer for you okay?" he said, setting the wet bags down in the hallway. "are you okay?" he asked. "no" i said. "are you in any sort of danger right now?" he asked again. "well, no i don't think so" i told him. "okay, how about you go take a hot shower and warm up and then dry off. i'll take care of your other things and then we'll talk okay?" he suggested.

"here you go. towel and dry clothes" he said, handing me a towel, hoodie and some sweatpants from his closet. "thank you" i said, he showed me to the bathroom. i heard him talking to his mom but couldn't quite make out what they were saying as i turned the shower on. his mom seemed like a nice lady, much nicer than mine at least.

i washed the makeup off my face and let the warm water take the chill off my body. gus truly was a kind soul, he barely knew me, or knew what had happened and he was ready to take care of me and make sure that i was okay. i sort of admired him for that, i'd never be that person.

i spent a few more minutes in the shower, then turned it off and dried off. i put on the clothes he'd given me. they were a little bit but warm and comfortable at least. i folded up the towel and my wet clothes from before and went back to his room. i tapped lightly on the door to make sure it was okay to come in, he opened the door for me.

he took the towel and clothes from me and tossed them in a hamper. "come sit" he said, patting the spot next to him on the bed. i sat and he draped a blanket over my shoulders. "tell me whatever you want, whenever you're ready. doesn't have to be anything. i'm here for anything you need" he said. "my parents kicked me out" i said bluntly. "you can stay here for as long as you need" he offered, without even hearing the reason why i got kicked out.

"thank you" i said again. "i don't feel like myself. i never need help or take help or cry or have things not work i just feel like a stupid mess. i'm pathetic" i said, starting to cry again. "shh" he said, putting his arm around me. "you are yourself j, it's okay to need help, it's okay to let your guard down. this is a very difficult situation and i'd never expect you to keep your tough and unbothered act up through something like this. you're not pathetic and you're not stupid, this is a totally valid response to your situation and it's okay. i'm here for you, i'm not judging so do whatever you need to do. i can leave you alone or you can cry on my shoulder all night. doesn't matter" he said.

"thank you. i'm sorry for just showing up like this" i said, starting to feel guilty. "don't apologize. i'm glad i'm someone you can trust enough to come to. you don't seem to have much else" he said. i let my body relax against him, hugging him back and resting my head on his shoulder. "i think i'm still just high also" i muttered into his neck. "that's okay" he said.

"they kicked me out because a boy dropped me off. and because i was high" i told him. i'm sure he was wondering. "jj, i could have waited back if this is what was gonna happen" he said. "it's not your fault. i didn't think this would happen either" i shrugged. "well don't think you're without a home, you're welcome here as long as you need. i talked to my mom" he said. "thank you gus. i really appreciate it. and everything else, you don't have to do this for me" i told him.

"i want to" he said. someone tapped on his door. "i've got her dry clothes here i'll just leave them in the hall okay?" his mom said from the other side of the door. "okay thank you" he said. "you didn't have to do that either. your mom also seems super nice, tell her thanks" i told him. "will do. we don't always get along but her hearts always in the right place" he said.

"can i lay down?" i asked him. "of course" he said, moving the blankets out of the way for me. i laid down, pulling the blanket back over me. "i can take the couch if you wanted to sleep" gus offered. "stay?" i asked. i didn't really feel like being alone right now, for once in my life. "as long as you're comfortable with that" he said. "it's fine" i told him.

gus laid down beside me, i rolled over so i could curl into his side. he rubbed my back as i started to settle. "thank you again" i mumbled. "it's not a problem. you don't have to keep thanking me" he told me. i could hear his heartbeat through his chest as i laid there. it was a comforting background noise against the silence. "you look tired, you can sleep" gus told me.

i started to feel myself gently fade in and out of consciousness as i started to fall asleep. i didn't move from my spot beside him, i was comfortable where i laid. he continued to rub my back until i was asleep. gus was extremely comforting to be around, every second i was with him tonight i felt my stress, anger, confusion and upset slowly fade away. it was almost nice to just let him take care of me, this was the type of treatment i usually refused at all costs but coming from gus, maybe it was okay.

chapter question
castles I or castles II

for me prob castles II