space cadet | lil peep

13| "ego check"

jj

i told gus i needed a little more time, which had turned into two weeks. i think he was getting a little irritated, or confused, or distant? i couldn't really tell. we were driving to go get food right now, it was quiet and gus was staring straight ahead of him at the road. "you okay?" i asked. he wasn't acting like himself. "yeah" he said. okay then, he said he was fine so i guess it's fine.

"actually" he changed his mine. "what?" i asked. "jj, love, i don't want to pester you or rush you or anything or make you uncomfortable but you said you just needed a little time to think and it's been a few weeks and you just seem more distant lately and i'm scared i scared you off and it's okay if you don't wanna date me that's fine, but i don't want to destroy our friendship in the process i still want you in my life i was just wondering if you've thought about it at all because the anticipation is like eating me alive from the inside out. i'm sorry, take all the time you need" he said in a sudden outburst of emotion.

"i have thought actually" i said. "you have?" he asked. "yeah. i wanna be with you gus. i'm just scared. this is new and i don't know what to do and, i don't want to hurt you if this doesn't work or i'm just bad at it or something" i told him. "jj, it's okay. i know it's new for you. there's no handbook on how to have a relationship, we'll figure it out and i'll help you as much as i can. if you want to of course, and don't worry about hurting me. you're not going to. it'll be okay and we'll figure it all out together all right?" he asked.

"okay. so we're gonna do this?" i asked. "well, are we? you tell me yes or no" he instructed. "yes..." i hesitated. "you don't sound sure" he said. "i am" i lied. "i don't believe you" he said. "i said yes, just take it jesus. isn't this what you wanted?" i asked. "only if you want it too" he said. "i do" i argued.

"it just doesn't feel right now" he said. "well i said yes so that's on you" was he stupid? "i feel like i'm making you say yes" he said. "you're not" i told him. "you don't seem very sincere and it feels forced" he gripped the steering wheel a little tighter with one hand, i was pissing him off? he was the one changing his mind now.

"like i'm literally fine i said yes. you can't tell me i'm wrong about my own feelings. i'm never wrong about things anyways" i half scoffed. "you need a serious ego check" he mumbled under his breath. "what was that?" i asked. "i said you need a serious ego check". he was brave to say that again. "excuse me?" i asked. "yeah. you're not always fucking right jj. like i know you've never experienced real love or like normal human interaction before but i have so i can tell that this is complete bullshit right now and you're only saying yes because i want you to" he said, starting to raise his voice.

"like maybe if you weren't so fucking dopey and up on your own little cloud nine all the fucking time and like actually bothered to ask me for an answer sooner then maybe we wouldn't have had to be having this awkward ass conversation right now. you can't live your life waiting on people if you want shit then get er fucking done" i told him.

"well sorry i fucking respect you enough to not wanting to rush you on a topic you're obviously uncomfortable and uncertain navigating" he said sarcastically. "well i'm pretty fucking smart so i'm sure i could have figured it out better than this" i said. "you know what jj? i'm sure you have lots of complicated little emotions going on in your head right now that you don't know how to process so you're just taking it out on me being stubborn and egotistical because that's all you know how to do. i can see that's what's happening so i'll give you a minute to get your head straight again" he said, well more demanded for me to re revaluate myself.

"why are we even fucking arguing right now? i was literally trying to agree and tell you that i would like to be in a relationship with you. i would like to be your girlfriend gus, is that not okay anymore?" i asked. "because it's always a fucking argument with you because you can't communicate properly because you can't understand anything outside of your own train of thought" he told me. "yes i can" i said defensively. "well you obviously can't because here we are" he rolled his eyes at me.

"okay. j, i recognize you're very upset and very worked up so we're both just going to stop talking for a few minutes okay? let's cool down. see how i'm reading the emotions in the situation?" he asked. "well you don't have to make me seem like a fucking idiot" i said. "i'm not but i'm just trying to teach you how to be more emotionally intuitive" he said. "well i didn't ask to learn" i told him.

"like i love you and i wanna be with you is that not good enough?" i asked. "well yes, but no. i don't think you want to admit all your feelings yet. you're getting there and i love you and i know what i want but after this conversation i really don't think we're ready and we'd be ultimately setting ourselves up for failure, which i don't want, because i love you and i also want to be with you so let's do this right okay?" he asked.

"okay" i gave in.

chapter question
what's your favourite book? like real actual book not wattpad fic

mine is alice in wonderland

i guess u can also tell me ur fav wattpad book as well. i don't rlly have one