space cadet | lil peep

18| "i'll find my way"

jj

"hey, jj, babe can i talk to you about something?" gus asked. whatever it was it sounded like he was walking on eggshells over it. "what is it?" i asked. i was sitting at his desk chair, scrolling aimlessly on my phone and he had just walked into the room. "you remember the conversation we had last week?" he asked. "which one?" i asked, we'd had plenty of conversations in the last week.

"you know how you said you'd try a little harder to be a bit more...agreeable...and compromise more" he reminded me. "oh yeah, that" i shrugged. "you just haven't really tried at all, in my opinion, if anything we've actually argued more and you've gotten even more headstrong" he said.

"no i haven't" i scoffed. "you're literally proving my point exactly" he said, sounding fed up. "how?" i asked. "you're literally so hard to converse with. you aren't easy to get along with. you aren't really a likeable person jj. at first i was kind of drawn into your whole attitude at first, not expecting it to literally never go away. now you're just like a giant headache and i can hardly even be around you. i've never met someone so self cantered and self obsessed. you can't go through life like this, fucking hell jj the world does not revolve around you and people don't exist to jump through hoops for you. everything around you is going to crumble until you realize that" he told me, very abruptly.

"what are you trying to say, gus?" i asked. this conversation seemed to take a bit of a rogue turn. "that you push people away. you just burn out any light within people around you. any friends you had, your parents, me. i can't do this anymore" he continued. "are you breaking up with me?" i asked, surprised at his words. "yeah, yeah i am. sorry jj. i do love you but this is no way to have a relationship. it's draining me mentally. i think this is what's best for both of us, parting ways for a bit. maybe forever. maybe this will really make you realize the type of person you are" gus said, wrapping up his little speech.

"hm. so this is it? i don't have anywhere else to go" i told him, mild panic setting in. "well, that didn't seem to be an issue before miss 'i don't need anyone or anything i can do everything by myself'" gus said. "well then i'll say it. you're right. i can do
it by myself. i'll have my shit packed and be gone within the next few hours. maybe try not to hunt me down this time, because i actually am fine on my own" i told him, recalling his little stunt last time i was off on my own. "only you would think someone's who's literally breaking up with you would want to come track you down after you left" he said, almost aggressively.

"like you're saying you love me but also breaking up with me? weird and confusing? but okay. if you hate me now i'll leave, didn't realize it was roast the fuck outta me day" i said, throwing my hands up in surrender. "you literally don't even care. i struggle to believe you ever cared about us, or even me" he said. "yes i do" i said. "then why are you not upset?" he asked. "this is definitely just temporary" i decided. "it isn't. we're through" he said. "whatever" i sighed.

"i really wish this could have worked jj. i do think there's a good person inside of you, for some reason you just can't let down your guard for us to find her" he told me. "well if you can't like me for me, then i'm glad this is done" i decided. gus stood awkwardly in silence while i started packing my bags to wander off to my next god-knows-where temporary home.

i was upset, like really upset actually. i couldn't let him know that though. never let your guard down, for anyone. ever. here i was, once again, walking away from the only stability and comfort i had in my life. gus was the closest thing to love i had ever experienced but i was used to my relationships with people ending like this. i always ruined good things for myself but i couldn't stop. i was my own worst enemy but i also was my own biggest enabler.

i let myself think and act this way because i did think it was how i should live life. i'm doing the best for myself and only need to truly worry about myself. i think gus thought he could be a 'saviour' and change me, but i'd never change. i'll always remember him and be thankful for him, he was my first and only love. although i was still stuck in my ways he taught me a tremendous amount. perhaps one day we would cross paths again.

if you love something, let it go. if it comes back it was really yours to keep. if gus gave me a second chance i would take it. he's probably the only person on this earth i would accept a second chance from. i don't go back to people, but for him, maybe i would.

not every story has a happy ending and this would be a perfect example. maybe we were the right people at the wrong time. maybe i was just being hopeful and we were never meant to work. i packed my last items into the bag, yanking the zipper closed. "well, that's everything" i said to no one in particular.

i collected my things and saw myself to the front door. gus stayed in his room. i placed my hand on the door knob, just starting to turn it. "wait" i heard him say, as he ran down the stairs. "bye jj" he said, leaning into hug me. i reluctantly placed my arms back around him. "bye gus" i said. "i'm sorry" he said. "don't apologize" i told him. "i'm only offering because i know you won't take me up on it, but i guess if you find yourself really stuck with no other options, text me if you need me" he offered.

"you're right. i won't. thank you for everything though. i guess i'll see you if i see you" i told him, putting my arm up in attempt of a limp wave as i left his house. i didn't know where i was going now, but i would find my way. i always do.

a/n

well that's the end of this one, 'tis finito

there could perhaps be a sequel for this book it has potential for dat, would u be interested?

anyways what did u guys think of this one?