space cadet | lil peep

12| "friends dont"

*1 month post move in*

jj

gus and i were sitting on his bed. he was playing some game on his xbox and i was aimlessly scrolling through random clothing websites on his laptop while i waited for him to finish playing.  i slumped my head over on his arm while i sat.

"you know, if all friends were like you then maybe i'd have more" i told him, smiling. he didn't try to change me, he just let me exist symbiotically with him. gus suddenly switched off his game, turning to me. "jj can we talk?" he asked. my heart sunk in my chest, he must be done with me. just like my parents. it's not my fault people can't handle me.

"about what?..." i asked. "friends?" he asked. "yeah..you're my best friend gus. i don't know what id do without you" i reminded him. "that's not what i mean" he said. "then what do you mean?" i asked, maybe sounding a little harsh.

"jj friends don't sleep in the same bed like we do. friends don't do what we do. friends don't feel the way about each other that i feel about you" gus said. "what do you mean gus? what are you trying to say?" i asked, confused. "that i love you jj" he said. "i love you too, you know that" i told him.

"no jj like i love you, i wanna be with you" he said.  "oh" i said bluntly. a look of regret fell across his face, as if he wished he never said that. "like only if you were ready of course. and wanted to, obviously" he added, awkwardly.

"i'm sorry i'm not trying to be a dick. i love you but i just didn't expect this. i don't, i don't know gus. it's not you at all i just. it's me, i don't know if i'm ready for that yet. like i am but i'm not. uh i don't know" i said, all my thoughts spinning together while i stumbled through barely comprehensible words.

"hey, hey, jj. it's okay. i know how you are, you just went through a lot. it's okay. don't apologize. we can wait" he said, sympathetically. "like i do. like you know that feelings are there but i like barely interact with other people and i don't know what to do with them i never even like other people this is just like a lot and i'm still figuring it out" i tried to explain to him.

"jj, it's fine. i understand. we'll just keep moving at our own pace. no worries. love you" he told me. "love you too. no. actually. ugh fuck it" i said, letting my inner monologue with myself out. "huh?" gus asked. "i love you" i said, i leaned into him, impulsively kissing him.

it was only the second time we'd ever kissed. i was struggling with my feelings, which i usually didn't have to deal much with. i didn't know how to let myself be like, connected, with another person. to have to be there for someone other than myself was something i'd never done.

right now i didn't care though, my breathing slowed as gus kissed me back. his hands slowly wandered up my back. nothing felt forced, we moved naturally in synch. what are you doing to me gus? what was happening?

i parted my lips from his, resting my forehead against his. he ran his hand through my hair, holding the back of my head. "i don't wanna rush you, but i think you're full of shit" he said. "maybe i am" i shrugged.

"why don't i let you sort your head out? i'm gonna go shower" he said, sitting up. "uh, okay" i stuttered. i sat motionless on the bed as he walked away from me. the door closed behind him and i was alone with my thoughts.

i liked gus, well, i loved gus. but i don't think i knew the difference between love and in love? i think that, if i was going to be with somebody i would want it to be him. i don't know if i wanted that right now though. it had only been a month and were in a bit of an odd situation.

he made me feel safe, and comfortable. i never felt like he was judging me or hating me. i could say or feel anything and it was always okay. i just made a complete fool of myself to him though, i was saying yes and no and i don't know. how can i just approach him end tell him i changed my mind? what if i change my mind again? i wouldn't want to break his heart.

wait, i wouldn't want to break his heart. for the first time in my life i think i just considered how my actions could effect someone other than myself. for the first time i care how someone else felt other than myself, this must be the right thing right?

that's how you should feel when dating someone i think. i didn't have anyone to approve or disapprove of him, it only mattered what i thought. his family seemed to like me to. i liked his mom, we got along really well. his brother was fine, we didn't really talk but i had nothing against him.

maybe getting kicked out happened for a reason. the universe was trying to show me the start of a new life. maybe that's why i'd never seen gus before amd all of a sudden he came into my life as all of this was happening. i suppose everything that's meant to happen will happen.

id never really been someone to think like this but all of a sudden here gus was, and here was my life changing as i knew it. was it all because of him?

the door creaked open, gus walked back in the room with wet hair and a towel around his waist. "hi" he said. "hi" i answered. "did you think?" he asked. "i thought" i said, "but, give me a little more time"

chapter question
what's ur eye colour ? mine are green