space cadet | lil peep

17| "im not acting like anything"

jj

"you haven't heard from or seen anything of your ex bitch from the restaurant eh?" i asked gus. "no, not a thing, why?" he asked. "just making sure" i said. "are you mad?" he questioned. "nope" i shook my head. "i don't believe you" he said. "well i'm not. so you better fucking believe it" i snapped. "as i was saying, i don't believe you" he said again.

"shut the fuck up" i groaned. "babe it's okay if you're mad about it. we can talk" he said. "i'm literally not mad" i said, walking across the room. "then why are you acting like you're about to rip my head off at any given second?" he asked. "because you keep asking stupid questions" i shrugged.

"jj can you stop, for real?" he asked. "stop what?" i responded, confused about what he was talking about. "acting like this" he told me. "i'm not acting like anything" i said. "yes you are. just stop acting like you're so above me and being sarcastic and shit. you're obviously mad so stop taking it out on me, or just talk about it" he said, sounding fed up.

"why would i do that?" i asked. i don't know what he thought we needed to 'talk' about but it wasn't a concern to me. "your communication skills suck tremendously" he told me. "no they don't" i defended. "you aren't perfect you realize that right?" he asked. "no, it's probably just everyone else around me that has issues. because i'm fine" i told him.

"oh my god i literally can't deal with you sometimes" he said, rubbing his forehead as if i had given him a headache. "okay then don't deal with me. no one is forcing you to date me" i reminded him. "so you're just like, inviting me to break up with you?" he asked. "that's not what i said" i told him. "wow, you don't even care. does this relationship mean nothing to you? do you even care about me? did you ever?" he asked me a bunch of questions.

"yes? what are you even on about?" i asked, lost on what he was trying to get at. "jesus christ jj. do you realize how much of an asshole you can be?" he continued to shower me with questions. " if you don't like me that's fine" i shrugged, continuing to pace around his room. "i do like you jj, and that's the problem. i love you but i just never feel anything back from you and there's no communication in this relationship and i never know how you feel and you're just way too self absorbed to ever even think about how i'm feeling or what i'm doing" he said, defeated.

right then i felt a sudden and strange rush of guilt and realization. sitting there, looking at gus looking completely lost and defeated and unsure of what to do with me made me think for a second. maybe i could be better. i never made an effort to be different in any way because i never had anyone else to worry about but myself. however now, my actions and thoughts directly impact someone i'm in a relationship with. what he has been saying to me slowly started to fall into place in my brain.

i guess i could try to do better. i wouldn't be perfect, and i'd have a lot of old habits fo break before i could be consistently what he wanted me to be like. hopefully seeing my effort and trying would be good enough for him to realize that i was trying. "i'm sorry" i said, feeling like i was speaking a foreign as i choked the words out. "what?" gus asked. "you heard me" i said. "no, like i know what you said but like, you're apologizing? like actually saying sorry? for real?" he asked, sounding like he was in shock.

"yes. don't act so surprised. let me do this" i told him, i was already on thin ice with myself for deciding to apologize. i usually didn't steep to this level. "okay" he said, sounding pleased with the situation. "i'm sorry and i'll try to start and communicate better from now on in the relationship" i told him. "well, thank you, i look forward to seeing the change because i think it will benefit both of us and us together and we will just be a much happier couple if we can communicate and get along better" he said.

"i'm starting to realize i might agree with that. i'll always be me and be a little bit of the way i am but i'll try and compromise more and maybe be a bit less stubborn" i said, deciding on my changes as i spoke it to him.  "well, if all goes well i'm excited to see how this will impact and improve our relationship" gus said, smiling and putting his arm around me.

"i still love you no matter what though, jj. you and your stubborn and thick ass skull" he said, jokingly poking me in the head. "you better " i said, kind of being serious but kind of joking. "well, i love you too gus. thank you for everything, maybe you were just what i needed to teach me how to be better and how i could be happy" i told him.