space cadet | lil peep

15| "im not packing"

gus

"what are you doing?" i asked jj, who appeared to be in the process of packing up a duffle bag. "nothing" she said. our relationship, well, verge of a relationship was not good right now. we were extremely rocky, struggling to go a day without arguing. "what are you packing for then?" i asked. "i'm not packing. bold of you to assume i'm trying to leave. this is a bag i never unpacked." she told me. "oh, can i help you look for something then?" i asked. "nope" grumbled, putting the bag back in my closet. "okay then" i said quietly, a little confused.

"hey, are you okay?" i asked her, trying to be the bigger person and take a step in the right direction. "yeah i'm fine" she said. "you sure? you know you can talk to me about anything right?" i reminded her. "i know" she said. "okay, i just know the last month or so has been quite difficult for you so i understand that you're struggling" i told her. "i'm not struggling" she denied. "jj, love, i know you are. you aren't yourself" i said, calling her bluff.

"i'm literally fine" she said, "can you at least tell me what you were looking for then hun?" i asked her again. "a necklace" she said. "what one?" i asked, maybe i had seen it. "it doesn't matter" she said. "well, you were looking for it so obviously it does" i told her. "fine. it's one my mom have to me as a kid. i never wear it but i keep it. i thought i grabbed it from my room but i guess i didnt. i don't care anyways. fuck that woman" she rolled her eyes.

"do you miss your parents? miss home?" i asked. "nope" she murmured. "i think you do, and that's okay jj, those are the people you spent most of your life with. it's okay to miss them and miss the stability and routine and whatever else. you were their dependant and now that's gone, so you're looking for someone else secretly stabilize yourself on even if you act like you don't need it. it was easy to do with them because they were your parents. you're finding it harder to do with me because i'm new, there's romantic feelings involved, we're the same and and on similar life paths so it's much harder for you to let yourself find stability in me and that's fine but you can't lie to me. i see right through it, so just be honest when you aren't okay, okay?" i asked.

she sighed, you could tell i had annoyed her a bit. "good riddance" she whispered. "fine whatever. okay" she said, unable to deny my point so instead she just brushed it off. "if you let me be there for you, i will be. don't shut me out and act like i'm the asshole" i told her. "and i know what you're gonna say, i don't need anyone there for me blah blah blah. yes you do. everyone does. i'm just realizing it for you before you ever do" for once i was actually being a bit assertive over her, telling her what i actually thought and not letting her walk all over me if she didn't agree. i don't know if she wasn't being very reactive because she was shocked or she was just finally accepting that what i was saying was true.

i've watched her slowly give in, little by little, everyday since i've met her. she'd come around eventually. "do you wanna try and go back and look for that necklace?" i asked her. it seemed to have some sort of significance. "no it's fine. i just randomly thought about it so i looked. i don't want to see them anymore" she said. "whatever you want then" i said.

jj stepped forward and hugged me out of nowhere. i stumbled a little as i caught her, not expecting it. "what's this for?" i asked. she wasn't typically one for random affection. "thank you. sorry i suck sometimes. a lot of the time actually" she said. "don't apologize, you didn't do anything wrong" i told her. "i've just been feeling bad lately. i think i should treat you better" she informed me. "well, if you think you need to improve that to feel better than be my guest. don't feel forced, everything is fine how it is too" i said.

"gus stop. no it isn't. ugh you're doing that thing again where you just let me do and say whatever the fuck i want and just go with it. stop it, i don't know why i wanted that before you obviously aren't happy" she said. "you care if i'm happy?" i asked. "well fuck, apparently" she said. "you have done alot for me and continue to do a lot for me even if i dont credit it or let you think you're helping. ive been trying to be better" she said.

"jj?" i asked. "what?" she responded. "you saying this makes me so happy but, it also makes me think that something else is due" i told her. she raised an eyebrow at me, not knowing what i was talking about. "what else?" she asked.

"jj, i know we're far from perfect and still have a lot to work on together and alone but will you be my girlfriend? we can make it work. we just gotta be patient with each other okay?" i asked her, hopefully. "are you serious?" she asked in disbelief, not in an offended way, but as if she never thought this was actually going to end up working way.

"yes, very serious" i told her. "well then, yes, i will be. there's only one way to find out if we can make this work so, let's just do it now" she said. i grinned as she said yes, i had been waiting a long time for this. "i love you" i told her. "i love you too" she said.