Sad Supernatural Imagines

#153 Dean - Depression Days

Y/N p.o.v:

1:34 a.m. You looked back at the ceiling and then looked at the clock again. 3:17 a.m. You sighed softly and got up carefully. Sam was out on a hunt and Dean was sound asleep in your bed. You walked into the hallway and tiptoed to the library. You haven't been sleeping well at all, except during the day. You knew Sam and Dean were worried but you could never bring yourself to open up. You tried to eat every time they offered, but you ended up feeling sick to your stomach after one or two bites. All you could tell them was that you needed time, time to get comfortable enough to open up and time to get somewhat back to normal. You sat in the library for a long time. You didn't notice the seconds, the minutes, and then the hours that passed until you heard Dean call out for you.
"In here." You said loud enough so he could hear you, but not loud enough to be yelling. You didn't move or look at him when he came in the room, but you heard him take a deep breath before sitting next to you. He knew he couldn't say anything to make it better, so he sat in silence with you. You leaned over and rested your head on his shoulder, letting him put his arm around you. You closed your eyes and suddenly fell asleep even though it was morning already.

Dean's p.o.v:

I looked down and watched her breathe out and then back in evenly. I smiled a little and then moved myself and her to where we were laying down. I rubbed her back for what seemed like eternity but I didn't complain nor did I care. Even asleep, I wanted her to know that I was here and I wouldn't leave. I heard the bunker door open and waited for Sam to come in.
"Hey, Dean. Where's-" I made a shush sign and pointed down.
"Is she still not doing well?" He asked quietly. I nodded. It killed me seeing her struggling. The last hunt really did a number on her. Everyone was okay, but she blamed herself for messing up. I was upset about it, but when I saw how much she was beating herself up over it, my feelings disappeared. All I want now is for her to see that it's okay and no one else blames her.
"No, I really wish I could help. She won't even let Cas in and he's her best friend." I said. She stirred before resting again. I sighed.
"You think she'll do anything?" My voice broke because the thought of it made me cry every time.
"I don't know, Dean. If she tries anything, we'll be there. We'll make sure she's okay." He said and then placed his hand on my shoulder, squeezing lightly and then letting go.
"I'll make us something to eat. Sandwiches?" I nodded and listened to his footsteps fade when he went into the kitchen.

Y/N p.o.v:

You woke up and noticed you were in the same spot, just laying down. You felt Dean playing with your hair and smiled just a little.
"Did you sleep okay?" He asked. You nodded and buried your face into his chest. You thought he would've taken you back to your room and left you there so you could sleep. He didn't though. You stayed for a few minutes before looking at him. He looked at you and then pressed his lips to your forehead.
"You're beautiful, you know that?" Maybe he didn't know it, but just these small things made it less difficult for you. You smiled and pressed your own lips to his. There were no sexual intentions, you just wanted to feel him be closer. You pulled back and then rested your head on his chest again.
"Thank you. For staying and not pushing." You watched him start to rub your arm and squeeze you lightly.
"It's what I'm here for."
Depression is hard and you still don't know how to properly deal with it. Shutting down like an old computer is all you could think to do when it got like this. You physically feel like you can't get anything out. Like the war between heaven and hell, you had two voices constantly fighting. One telling you all the bad things, how worthless you are and how everyone will eventually leave you. The other tells the bad voice to shut up. Neither win and neither lose. They're just always there, the one constant in your life. You so desperately wanted both of them to be heard, for you to be heard in general but you were trapped. You were trapped like a fly caught in a flytrap. The fly being you and the trap being your head. Maybe it won't get better tomorrow or in the next month, but it will eventually and you knew that. You might not believe it now, but you know that it happens. The rest of the day was relatively okay for you. You ate some toast and that's more than anything you've eaten in a while. Small steps and slow progress is still....progress.