5SOS Smut

Warm Showers ~ Ashton Irwin

Ashton Imagine ~ My home is not a place i like to be. There’s screaming and yelling, sometimes things get thrown. Arguments get started over everything and anything you could possibly think of. It gets draining often. The constant bickering of my parents on top of all of my issues. But the biggest topic of the fighting lately has been about me.

My depression and anxiety have been becoming crippling lately. Trying to leave the house is the hardest thing, i actually get physically sick. Whether it be throwing up, needing the rest room or straight up panic attacks. My mom knows it’s a real issue but my dad sees it as me seeking attention and that i’m fine. So that added stress of him not believing how I feel and my parents fighting over it. Just makes everything ten times worse.

But Ashton, my boyfriend is literally my rock and i don’t know what i’d do without him. We’ve been best friends since we were 3 when we met in daycare. Literally attached at each others hip for 15 years. He’s seen what i go through. Been there for me through thick and thin. My parents have fought in front of him. Not as badly as when he isn’t there but my dad is comfortable - i guess you would say - enough around him to treat us the same way he does when he’s not there. Two years ago we started dating and things got better for a while. We were closer than ever which i didn’t think was possible. But recently he was been out touring with his band and it was hard.

He wanted me to come along with them but i said no. Ashton needed this time with his band without distractions so they could do the great things they were destined for. I visited a few times throughout the tour but he didn’t need me there. The boys got to tour with 1D for a second time to help promote while they worked on producing more music and such. Getting the chances of doing their own shows and preforming on live TV while on days off from the WWA tour.

But luckily the tour finished up a few weeks ago and the boys are back home. After having some time off to have fun and catch up with family the boys were already back to song writing a bit. So there were somedays i was alone again. Ashton had given me a key to his flat a long time ago. With the offer of come over anytime. Whether he was home or not. He knows you just need the escape from the fighting sometimes. Today was one of those days.

Leaving a note for my mom on my desk, i climbed out of my bedroom window and started my way to Ashton’s. Eventually my parents would stop fighting or at least long enough for my mom to check on me. She always wanted to make sure I was okay. So i just left a note saying that i was going to Ashton’s and wasn’t sure when i’d be home because i needed to get away from the fighting.

Today Ash was out song writing with Michael. So when i got to his flat i let myself in and locked back up behind me. I texted Ash letting him know i was at his place and he told me he’d be back as soon as he could, but i told him not to rush. I turned on the stereo, took a seat on the couch and tried to relax. I had a problem of over thinking everything. I get so into thinking that it drives me mad. ‘What if’s’ and ‘maybe’s’ flood my brain 24/7.

The more i thought of not wanting to be here. That everything would be better if i wasn’t or how much happier everyone would be. Maybe my parents wouldn’t fight anymore. Maybe i wouldn’t be holding Ash back. I felt like i couldn’t breathe. Panic attacks were extremely terrifying when i was alone. The thought of passing or blacking out while no one was around was scary.

Placing my head between my knees and my hands over my head i tried to catch my breath. But it didn’t work. I worked myself up into a panic attack for no reason when i came here trying to prevent one. Sitting didn’t help so i decided maybe pacing would. I paced the length of the flat for a good 10 minutes before feeling like i was going to fall over.

Reaching for my phone my hands were trembling. Ashton could be home anywhere between 30 minutes to an hour. But i didn’t want to call him and get him worried thinking it was an emergency. I mean for the better he should know but i didn’t want to take him away from song writing. So i decided that maybe a warm shower would help calm me down.