THE ACTRESS

CHAPTER 18

Chapter 18

"You don't need to know, do you?", 'yan lang ang naisagot ko sa tanong ni JP. Tama naman hindi ba? He doesn't need to know. Bakit pa? Wala na siyang pakialam pa sa kung sino man ang karelasyon ko ngayon at kung gaano na kami katagal.

"Y-yeah. I'm sorry.", he smiled. Pero alam mong pilit. I can see the bitterness in his smile. I can see the pain in it. Pero tama bang nasasaktan talaga siya o nag-aassume lang ako? I don't know. I'm confused about him, about his actions.

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin. He's looking straight to my eyes, as if scrutinizing my very soul. Animo'y naghahanap siya ng katotohanan sa pamamagitan niyon. And at this moment, I can't look at him eye to eye.

I picked my frap up and sipped on it. I need to act casually. I don't want him to notice the tense I feel caused by his words and actions. Ayokong malaman niyang hanggang ngayon ay may epekto pa rin siya sa akin.

"Uhm..", I heard him clear his throat. Bahagya akong napalingon sa kanya. His eyes were full of agony. Para bang napakalungkot ng mga iyon and I've never see JP's eyes as lonely as this. Not even when we're still together. And I can't stand looking at those eyes because it stabs me a hundred. Parang hindi ko kayang makita ang lungkot ng mga iyon, nasasaktan din ako. Ako ba ang sanhi nga malamlam niyang mga mata? Pero bakit? He cheated on me, right? He's probably just guilty. Yes, he is just guilty that's why he gives me those eyes.

He's probably guilty about the lie I made up that I had an amnesia from an accident. And that's because I caught him making out with his other woman. That's just it. Tama di ba? Wala nang mas malalim pang dahilan sa lungkot na nakikita ko sa mga mata niya. Iyon lang yon. No more, no less.

"I-I'm sorry.", napakunot ang noo ko sa kanyang sinabi. Did I hear him right? He said sorry? For what? He really confuses me a lot. Nakakainis. He's adding the frustrations that I already have and I hate it.

Binigyan ko siya ng nagtatakang tingin. "You're sorry for what?"

Marahan kong inilapag muli ang kapeng iniinom. My heart's beating fast. I'm not sure if it's the coffee's effect on my system or due to the conversation that we're having. Kinakabahan ako. Parang ayokong marinig kung anuman ang gusto niyang sabihin ngayon. I have a feeling that whatever he has to say, I will not like it. I mean, he said sorry all of a sudden. Out of nowhere.

"I'm just sorry. For everything.", he said in a very serious tone. I felt a sudden fall of emotions. Parang ang bigat ng dibdib ko.

Hindi ko talaga siya kayang tingnan sa mata kaya for the nth time, nagiwas ako ng tingin. Hindi ko kayang tagalang tumitig sa nanunuri niyang mga mata. Why is he doing this? Nililito niya lang ang dati ko pang litong pag-iisip.

"I don't get you.", muli kong kinuha ang lapis na nakapatong sa ibabaw ng sketch pad saka muling gumuhit ng outline. Ayokong makinig. Ayokong marinig ang sasabihin niya. Hindi pa ako handa. Not now, hindi ko pa kaya.

I stopped when I felt his hand on mine. It was warm and how I missed the warmth of that hand. But it's different now. Hindi na kami tulad nang dati. Before, those hands were an assurance that I was loved and well taken care of. But now, it brings back the pain in my heart. Binabalik lamang nito ang lahat ng panlolokong ginawa niya. And if that's what he's sorry for, hindi pa ako handa.

Sinubukan kong bawiin ang kamay ko mula sa kanya but his grip was too tight that I can't let go of my hand. I glared at him but he didn't care.

"Get your hands off me JP.", I murmured, but assuring that the conviction is in it. But still, he held my hand even tighter.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Carisse. I missed you."

This time I tried my strongest to pull my hand from him and stood up. He's crazy. After four years, ngayon niya lang sasabihin ito. I hate him for letting too many years go before he had the courage to tell me this.

"Pwede ba JP? Hindi kita maintindihan. Ano bang pinagsasasabi mo?", hindi ko na mapigilang magtaas ng boses. Tumayo din siya at hinarap ako, still wearing those gloomy and remorseful eyes.

"I'm sorry for everything I've done. Sorry if I ruined our relationship, for losing your trust, for cheating on you. But believe me, I didn't mean to do that. Sorry if it took me years to tell my explanation but please listen Carisse. I'm really sorry.", he held my hand again and I just let him. Hindi ko napigilang umiling-iling. I felt a warm liquid on my face. Hindi ko magawang pahirin ang mga luhang nag-uunahang tumulo dahil mahigpit ang pagkakahawak niya sa mga kamay ko. It's as if the moment he let them go, mawawala na rin ako.

"I'm sorry. Gagawin ko ang lahat para mapatawad mo ako. I'm also hurting seeing you hurt.", he tried to wipe my tears but I avoided. Yet, he still wiped my tears through his thumb. I gasped, trying not to make a sound as I cry. But I can't. Ngayon ko lang ulit nailabas ang lahat ng hinanakit ko.

"Please don't cry. I hate it when I see those tears. Especially when I know it's because of me."

Umiling lamang ako habang humihikbi. I tried to let ou a word sa kabila ng aking pagiyak.

"Hindi ko alam ang sinasabi mo. Just leave, please.", I said in a clear and commanding tone.

I pulled my hands from him and wiped my own tears. Agad akong tumalikod at tumakbo papasok sa kwarto. But before I could go inside my room, I was stunned when I heard him talk.

"I know you never had amnesia. You're just doing this because you're hurt and I will do everything to  win you again. Maghihintay ako Carisse because...

I still love you.."