THE ACTRESS

CHAPTER 5

Chapter 5

It was already late at night but my mind is still up. Hindi ako makatulog. I don't know if it's because of the coffee I took before I went to bed or because of JP's text.

Damn it! Parang last time lang sinabi ko na this may be the right time to finally move on. Pero sa mga iniisip ko, I don't think I'm ready yet. Mukhang mahihirapan ako lalo na't we'll be working together for a couple of days. That means madalas kaming magkikita at magkakausap.

Ugh! Bakit ba kasi nagkrus pa ulit ang landas namin? Para saan? Para saktan ulit ako? No way! I've had enough of that for so long and I can't take one thing more. Di ko na kayang masaktan ulit. I hate how it feels like to get hurt. Masyadong mabigat sa dibdib at nakakaparanoid. Yung feeling na I would wish not to wake up the following morning or if ever I wake up, I won't remember anything.

But at least, unti-unti namang nawawala yun as years pass by. I know I still feel the pain in my heart but I'm trying to really move on. Although hindi pa rin totally moved on hanggang ngayon. But part of me is getting better and I believe I'm starting to get back to my old self. Yung Carisse na playful, masayahin, approachable, jolly, at palangiti.

Masyado lang din talagang mapaglaro ang buhay. Look how it ironically twisted our fate. Ewan ko ba kung bakit. E matapos ang mahabang panahon, okay naman na ako. Well, that was half true. Not totally okay, but I was trying to be okay. And now he's going back to ruin my life? No. Not for the second time.

My phone rang. That brought me back to the present.

Unsaved number, pero alam ko kung sino. It was him. Yeah, here he goes again.

I put my phone back on the bed, thinking whether to take the call or not. Seriously? What's up with me and I have to think whether to answer it or not? Of course I should ignore it. Kung sagutin ko man ang tawag niya, what for? Hindi ko na dapat siya kausapin pa. That's what I should do. But I know that it's not what I want to do. Yeah, I know that's stupid.

I just found myself holding my phone right on my left ear.

"H-hi. I-I just called to check if you're already home."

What the hell? I hate that he's acting as if he cares. As if he stil cares. As if he's still my boyfriend. E bakit nga ba kasi sinagot ko pa ang tawag niya tapos maiinis lang naman pala ako?

Bakit ba kailangan niyang magpakasweet ulit? Is he trying to make me fall in love with him again? Wrong. I know for a fact that I still am. Stupid.

"Of course I am. Saan sa tingin mo ang bahay ko? Sa Hong Kong?", I laughed at the thought. Medyo harsh ata ang dating nun sa kanya. But I don't care. This is what I exactly want our setup to be like. Me, being harsh and rough to him. Moving on? I guess not. Revenge maybe.

"Oh well, might be. Not unless you tell me where you actually live so I might at least know. O baka naman sa Hong Kong nga?", I heard him giggled over the phone.

"What's so funny about it?", iritable kong tanong. He keeps on giggling and I keep on feeling exasperated. Nakakaasar siya.

"Nothing really. It's just that you're still the same Carisse I used to know before." It took me long before I have recovered. I am still the same Carisse he used to know before...and he's still the same JP I used to know.

"Woah. Are we that close before that you can say that?", I sad sarcastically. I waited for his response. I know he's trying to look for some words to say because he became silent for a while.

"It's for you to find out. I'll help you." Like I am interested. Duh. Okay I am. But what for? Can he just disappear and never show up anymore? Ako lang kasi ang nahihirapan. At nasasaktan.

"No thanks. I'm happier with what and who I am now. Whatever happened before, that was just something I don't wanna get back to anymore. And if you're part of that, whether you be that special or not, I'm sorry to say but...I am now starting over again. Ayoko nang balikan ang nakaraan."

I heard him let out a heavy sigh. Is he disappointed? Or is it just me who thinks he is?

"I'm sorry for...for opening that up. Anyway, I really just called to check if you're home. That's all it is supposed to be."

"You know what? I appreciate your concern but...you don't have to check if I'm home. And, you don't have to know where I stay because in the first place, hindi naman kailangan sa trabaho yun. What we have is all for but the job. Nothing more, nothing less.", I paused. "And by the way, if there's nothing more you need to say, may we just end this up. I have to rest, I'm tired."

Wow! I'm so proud of myself that I've said that full of strength and conviction. And for the record, I didn't stutter. And not to mention, it came out naturally. That was not an act.

"I-I think so. Y-yeah. Uhh, I mean... Uhh, good night. Sorry for interrupting your sleep.", he said in a lonely voice. I felt a sudden guilt for how I treated him. That was so impolite and harsh. Ah, ang gulo ko talaga. I just said that's how I should treat him and now I'm feeling guilty that I became harsh to him. I'm insane!

"It's fine. Good night.", I ended up the call and threw my phone to where it was a while ago. And that made me feel resentful. I wanna hear his voice again. I wanna listen to him while he speaks until I fall to sleep. I just really wanna hear him talk all night. How I miss his voice. How I miss him. But I hate him at the same time. And maybe that holds me back from letting him get into my life again.

I grabbed my phone back. I looked at his message. Ingat. That's what's in it. Tss. I tried to delete it, but my finger didn't respond to what my mind says. Before, it was amnesia, now I'm having a system dysfunction. God, what's happening to me? Maybe JP is just to hard to resist...and forget.

Before I knew it, I was typing JP's name, adding his number in my contacts. That completes my disease for the day - KATANGAHAN.