Traitor ~ Bucky Barnes

Nightmares and Therapy

"Katherine don't do this!" begged Bucky.

Katherine held a gun to his head. Her face was cold. Bound to a chair was Bucky. His metal arm was gone. They were both in a dark room. The only light was the light casting on the five other Winter Soldiers.

"You lied, Bucky." said Katherine.

Zemo stood behind a glass wall watching everything unfold. Beside him were Steve and Tony. They were dead. Bucky tried to break free from the rope that tied him down. But, he could not.

"You left me!"

"No! I-I didn't mean too."

Bucky was pleading to Katherine. Trying to convince her not to do this. He kept struggling, trying to break free.

Then, the image changed. The person in front of him was Yori. He looked sad. Bucky froze at the sight.

"You killed my son!" said Yori. Tears were falling down his face. This broke Bucky. He did not mean to. There was no choice for him. It was Hydra; they made him do it. Right?

"See. You only cause destruction and pain everywhere you go, Winter Soldier or not." said Katherine.

She was standing next to Yori with the gun in her hand still. Bucky did not fight anymore. His mind was spinning from the images. It was becoming too much. Walking up to him, Katherine pointed the gun back up to his head.

"Now you won't cause anymore pain."

Bang.

Bucky gasped for air. Sitting up on the floor, he was covered in sweat. It was another nightmare. The tv in front of him was still on. Images of soccer were playing on the screen. This was not the first time Katherine appeared in his dreams. Well, his nightmares.

At first, she appeared begging him. Asking Bucky not to leave her. Then, it moved to him, killing her as the Winter Solider. The worst part was it was Zemo who would sometimes order it. But, recently, his dreams have been her killing him. It was like she was getting back at him for leaving her all those years ago.

It has been eight years since the events at Siberia. For Bucky, it was more like two years. Regardless of the time, Bucky has never gone to see Katherine. Bucky had mentioned it to Steve sometimes. However, he always advised against it. He would tell Bucky to "focus on himself." And that is what he did. In Wakanda, he focused on himself and on his mind. Then, Thanos happened, and everything fell apart.

~

"So, Mr. Barnes are you still having nightmares?" asked Dr. Raynor.

Bucky sat there in a dazed look. He despised going to these therapy sessions. It was repetitive and repulsive. Plus, his doctor was not the best, in his opinion. She always knew how to push his buttons.

"James, I asked you a question. Are you still having nightmares?"

"No."

That was a lie. Bucky had nightmares almost every night. He just lied in hopes she would believe him. Sometimes it worked, but most of the time, it did not.

"We've been doing this long enough that I can tell when you're lying. Well you seem a little off today. Did something happen recently?" Raynor asked.

"No."

"James, in order for me to help you, you have to trust me. I only have your best interest in mind."

"You know, last time I was evaluated, I was used as a weapon. So, sorry if I don't trust shrinks."

Raynor just looked at Bucky. Grabbing her pen, she clicked it and flipped her notebook over. Then, she began to write. Seeing this, Bucky sighed. The god damn notebook. He hated that thing. It usually meant he was not making progress.

"Come on, not the notebook. Look I'm sorry." he said in a pleading manner.

Raynor stopped writing. She looked up at Bucky, waiting for him to speak. This was the only way she did not write. If he spoke about what was bothering him, then she won't write.

Sighing, Bucky said, "The dream was about me being threatened. Instead of me killing people, I was the only getting hurt."

Nothing was said by Raynor. A part of her was more shocked that Bucky had said anything at all. She knew he was telling the truth. Bucky had a defeated look on him. From any of the nightmares, he told her. It was usually him being the Winter Soldier.

"Who was hurting you?" she asked.

Bucky paused. He has never mentioned Katherine in these sessions. It just was not the time. However, Raynor knew of Katherine. She just never mentioned her. If anything, she was going to wait until Bucky brought her up.

"I don't know. Some people were from my amends list. I just can't remember exactly who."

"Why do you think they were hurting you?"

"Because I hurt them."

The words from Katherine echoed in his head, you only cause destruction and pain everywhere you go, Winter Soldier or not. A part of him believed her. Everywhere he went, someone knew his face as the Winter Soldier. Even with his mind back, Bucky felt displaced. There was no home or peace for him.

"This is why we have the amends list. It is for you to forgive yourself and to give others closure." said Raynor.

The amends list. Bucky had Steve's notebook from when he goes out of the ice. He figured if it helped Steve, then it would help him. In the book, he wrote down all the names of people he wronged as the Winter Soldier. Most people were victims, but others were people he helped get to power. Among those names were Zemo and Katherine.

Each of them was on there for a different purpose. Zemo was on there for the way he used him all those years ago. Katherine should be for the same reason. However, she was not. Her name was on the list because Bucky felt responsible for her imprisonment. Bucky felt guilty.

"How long until it works?" asked Bucky.

Out of all the names he has managed to cross off. He still had nightmares. His thoughts still ate at him at night. It was like no matter how hard he tried, he could not escape his past.

"That is up to you. You have to do the work. But, I think you are trying to erase your past rather than accept it. The Winter Soldier will always be apart of you, whether you want it or not." said Raynor.

In Bucky's view, he was doing the work. But, it was more like getting back at the people that caused him pain. Where in reality, it had to be the other way around. Bucky had to make others feel better.