Cadence ( Part 2 of Rhythm ) Completed*

Chp 12: Retrospect

Therapy is not something that Ian always had respect for. When he was younger, and newly diagnosed, he resented it. Hindsight lets him understand that was the case mostly because he was young, still stuck in that feeling of immortality. He thinks back to that phase and remembers thinking he was untouchable, but not in the way most teenagers feel. He'd like to think he was levelheaded and reasonable about some things, in fact, he knows he was. And maybe, that's why he thought he would be able to escape the diagnosis, be stronger and better than his mother. Resenting therapy is also partially because he was in denial.

He didn't know much then and he didn't respond well - still doesn't - to his family babying him and telling him what to do and when to do it. He knows it comes from a place of love, but that never works for Ian. It's one of the only knee-jerk reactions from his teenage years that is still holding on strong. It still manifests itself in this stubborn determination to buck the system and do the exact opposite thing from what his family is trying to shove down his throat.

It's different with Mickey. Kind of always was. Mickey's not coddling Ian or treating him like an invalid. He doesn't sugar coat in and effort to handle Ian with kiddie gloves. Instead, Mickey is upfront and blunt about the situation. Supportive in a way that leaves little room for Ian to fall through gaps.

The fact that they've actually learned to use words when things are spiraling, in either direction, is also pretty helpful.

Now, therapy isn't something that Ian opposes. He's been seeing Dr. Pollack for years and they have a good rapport. It's been healthy for him. Ian goes because he wants to go, not because it is being forced on him.

Just like this in-patient stay. He wants this and knows deep down in his bones it is the best answer. He's past blaming himself for letting things get so bad because now he knows it isn't completely his fault. Things snuck up on him. There were warning signs but Ian felt good underneath. He was happy that things were getting up and running with the storefront and that Mickey's pregnancy was going perfectly, at least from a medical perspective. Mickey's still sicker than last time, so there is something to be desired before one could call it "perfect."

He hated in-patient treatment before this moment. Yes, he saw it for what it was but it had come at a time where he was mourning the loss of his healthy life. He couldn't be medically seen as mentally healthy from that point forward. It also came at a point where he was so far out of the scope of control and he had done too many damaging things. Things that make him squirm in discomfort if he unpacks them again.

It also came at a point where he was too medicated and stalled at the ugly part of the road where doctors were trying to figure out what medications worked for him. It was a sliding scale, one that apparently changes at whim. He's learning that fact first hand while doctors here try to figure out exactly which of his medications failed him.

This time, in-patient is a little bit of a detox from his regular meds rather than a drugging overload. He doesn't feel weighed down and foggy this time, but he does feel a little untethered. They are going to start discussing other medications - not just prescribe them and hope for the best - and see how Ian tolerates them. But that isn't this week.

He misses Mickey in a way he hasn't experienced in years. Oddly, that feeling, and the fact that he loves someone enough to miss them this much, warms Ian. Mikayla, however, he misses in a way that borders on being physically painful, like a little piece of him is torn off and kept away from him. Biologically speaking, she is a piece of him. But Ian never thought it would hurt this much to be away from her. Being near her, however, had hurt her. Mickey reassured him that she's not even going to remember it, and maybe she won't, but Ian's having a hard time forgetting.